


Stop-Loss

by twenty3



Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcoholic Tony Stark, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Heavy Angst, Hurt, IronStrange, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, It does get better, M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Canon Compliant, Sexual Content, Stephen Abuses the Time Stone, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Time Manipulation, Time Stone, Time Travel, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:22:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 41,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28814091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twenty3/pseuds/twenty3
Summary: Tony Stark killed himself on a Monday morning.Peter Parker found his body.Stephen Strange was the first person he called.After the devastating loss, Stephen makes a decision. To use the time stone. To go back and fix things. To fix Tony before he can make the same choice to end his life.It doesn't work. So he tries again. And again. And again.It was his fault the world had lost him. It wasn't going to be his fault it stayed that way.
Relationships: Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Stephen Strange, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Tony Stark/Stephen Strange
Comments: 93
Kudos: 184





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Writing this story made me cry. That's not a humble brag, or an attempt to suck people in. It's a warning. 
> 
> Please, please mind the tags. I may need to add more as the story goes up. It's completely written, and has been for over a year. It took a long time to be able to go back to it and get it posted.
> 
> This is not a romanticism of suicide. Believe me. I don't find it romantic. It's not. It's heartbreaking and devastating and mostly indescribable. But it exists, and so now does this story. It's meant to be therapeutic. I'm not sure that it is, or that writing it was, but it helped in some small way. 
> 
> In most of my stories I seem to write mostly from Stephen's perspective, trying to help Tony. This probably sheds the most light as to why. 
> 
> The story will be seven chapters. This first one is the shortest, mostly an introduction. The six that follow will be much longer, broken up into different sections, different attempts on Stephen's part. The majority of this story is just the two of them. It jumps around, and at times feels rushed or incomplete in parts. It feels like it's missing more elaboration or detail. I can't say that that was done on purpose, just that when I went to edit, it seemed fitting. So I left it that way. 
> 
> I would really rather not a single person reads this than for anyone to do so and be triggered, or upset, or hurt from it. That couldn't be farther from my intention. It gets worse before it gets better, but it does get better.

Tony Stark killed himself on a Monday morning.

Peter Parker found his body.

Stephen Strange was the first person he called.

It took over five minutes for Stephen to decipher what Peter was trying to say due to the teenager’s hysteria. Once he understood, Stephen portaled directly to the Tower, where Peter let him into the penthouse before collapsing to the floor. Stephen tried to catch him, but his reaction was delayed tenfold due to the circumstances.

Peter’s face was hidden behind his hands as he sobbed. Stephen crouched in front of him without a single clue of what to do.

When Peter finally started to catch his breath, Stephen put a trembling hand on the boy’s knee.

“Where is he?” he asked, voice barely above a whisper.

Peter had to swallow three times before he could reply.

“The lab.”

Stephen nodded slowly. He opened his mouth to say something else, but let it fall closed when he realized he was coming up with nothing. He slowly stood after making sure Peter’s breathing was steady enough. He walked down the hallway to the door for Tony’s lab.

The door had always opened for him whenever he had been here before, but this time it stayed closed. No cheery voice from the ceiling greeted him as he came to a stop in front of the lab.

Stephen raised his hand and pushed it open.

It was almost completely dark inside. There was only faint, softly glowing light coming from a few of the screens across the space. But that wasn’t as unsettling as the silence. Any time Stephen had been in the lab, it was always noisy. Between Tony’s music and work, it was almost too much. But Stephen found he would have preferred that to the void that was left now.

He found Tony on the floor, slumped against the far wall, leaning slightly to the left.

It looked like he was just asleep. Until Stephen got closer and saw the burn pattern across his chest and arms under where his shirt had fallen apart. He was about three feet away when he had to stop, unable to take another step. Stephen fell to his knees without even realizing it.

Stephen’s eyes trailed over the wires connected to the arc reactor on Tony’s chest that ran down to the small box on the floor next to Tony’s right hand.

Tony had electrocuted himself.

For a fleeting second, Stephen tried to convince himself that it had been an accident. That Tony was tinkering with the reactor and mistakenly shocked himself. But Stephen wasn’t able to hold onto that thought for long.

The lab was clearly shut down. FRIDAY was offline.

Tony had chosen a time he thought he would be alone for a while. Peter had only come to the Tower before school because he had forgotten his math book, as Stephen would come to learn later when the boy was giving his statement to the police.

Stephen didn’t remember leaving the lab. He remembered being torn between staying with Tony and going out to try and comfort Peter. He went with the latter, knowing that that was what Tony would have wanted. He never would have intended for Peter to have been the one to find him. And it was too late to do anything for Tony now.

Another thing Stephen would learn was that Tony had disabled FRIDAY so she couldn’t contact anyone, but had set up an alert for an hour after he had planned his death so that the police would arrive and be the ones to find him.

He had thought it all out, planned every step of it.

But it hadn’t gone exactly as Tony had drawn it up.

Peter was destroyed. He couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, could barely talk. He thought that it was his fault for not recognizing how distressed Tony was.

As did Rhodey. And Pepper. And Happy.

And Stephen.

Everyone knew Tony had been having a hard time after defeating Thanos. Losing Natasha had been difficult on everyone, but Tony had blamed himself. For not preventing it all from happening in the first place. For never reconciling with his former teammate and friend. For being the one that survived when she deserved it more than he did.

Stephen ghost walked through the week following Tony’s death. He stayed on the outskirts of everything, feeling it wasn’t his place to be too involved. He and Tony had struck up a friendship after what they had been through, but he wasn’t nearly as close to him as the others had been.

So he did what he could to help. He tried to console Peter, but that was an impossible task. He attended the services, standing behind Tony’s friends as they tried to make sense of what had happened.

But there was no making sense of it. It was too painful, too awful to be rationalized.

It was the third day after the funeral when Wong finally approached Stephen in the study. The sorcerer looked at his friend, staring out the window at the rain falling on the city.

“There was nothing you could have done.”

Stephen kept his eyes trained on the droplet of water he had fixated on as it slid down the glass.

“You and I both know that’s not true.”

Wong sighed. “It’s not your fault.”

“I knew what was going to happen. I should have anticipated the effect it was going to have on him. I should have...” Stephen trailed off as his throat thickened.

“You know as well as anyone what the mind can do to itself. He was in pain. He was suffering. He isn’t anymore.”

Stephen finally turned to look at the other man. “Now everyone else is.”

“Yes. They are. They lost their friend, it’s only natural.”

Stephen shook his head. “They shouldn’t have had to. He shouldn’t have felt like that was his only option.”

“But he did.”

Stephen was quiet for a long time. Wong stood by the doorway in the event his friend was going to speak again, but he didn’t appear inclined to. But just as he was about to walk away, a thought occurred to him.

“Please don’t do anything stupid, Strange.”

Stephen would have laughed if he had had the emotional ability to do anything. But he didn’t, so there was no response. He listened to Wong’s footsteps as he finally left his post.

He didn’t even consider his friend’s words of advice. His mind was made up. He had the ability and the means to undo what had happened to Tony Stark.

It was his fault the world had lost him. It wasn’t going to be his fault that it stayed that way.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stephen comes face to face with his decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the clicks, comments and kudos. It's appreciated more than you know.

Stephen really should have prepared himself more for traveling back in time. But once he had decided he was going to do it, he just acted.

He found himself roughly two weeks in the past. Six days before Tony had taken his own life. He was trying his very best not to stare at the other man, but was finding that task rather difficult.

Tony was sitting across from him, holding his head up with his hand, elbow braced on the glass table. He was half listening to Fury’s debriefing from the last mission, half doodling on the notebook in front of him. When he felt eyes on him, his pen stilled and he glanced up at Stephen.

He smirked, rolling his eyes dramatically. Stephen forced a small smile and quirked an eyebrow in response.

Tony went back to his scribbling.

Stephen willed himself to look away and back to the front of the room. He didn’t need to pay attention to what Fury was saying. He had already been in this meeting. He knew everything that was going to happen.

Which was the point. Because now he could change things.

He could change what happened to Tony.

It wasn’t until he was sure Tony was engrossed in his fake note taking that Stephen looked back at him. He didn’t care if anyone noticed he was staring. His heart rate slowed as he watched the other man, taking in every little detail about him. It was surreal, seeing the reason so many hearts had been broken breathing again, just a few feet away. For what felt like the first time, Stephen really looked at Tony. He noticed his hair was really many different shades of brown, which blended together into a perfect chestnut. He took note of way he talked with his hands, even when he wasn't actually talking. 

The more he looked at Tony, the more Stephen wanted to reach out and touch him. To be sure he was really still there, and this wasn't a dream.

When the meeting finally wrapped, Stephen stood almost too quickly. He knew Tony was going to toss his pen back to Rhodey, who would look over at the piece of paper in front of his best friend and laugh. He knew they would still be sitting there talking when Stephen walked out of the room.

Except this time, Stephen stopped next to them on his way out.

“Fury’s not going to let us sit near each other if you keep distracting me during these meetings, Doc,” Tony greeted with a grin.

Stephen swallowed. He looked down at the sitting man and tried to see the pain in his brown eyes. He tried to find the signs of the anguish he was going through.

But all he saw was Tony.

“It’s his fault for making us sit through these in the first place,” Stephen finally managed.

It must have come off natural, because neither Tony nor Rhodey gave any indication otherwise.

“You don’t find it helpful to break down every single aspect of a meticulously planned mission that went perfectly, of which you didn’t even happen to be apart of?” Tony inquired.

Stephen felt a genuine smile form. “I do not. I do, however, like hearing the parts where you managed to get yourself in trouble despite the meticulous planning.”

“I’m glad I can keep you entertained.”

Rhodey scoffed. “I think you’ll have a different opinion the next time you actually have to go on a mission with him,” he said as he stood from his seat.

Stephen felt like he had been punched in the stomach at the realization that he wouldn’t be going on any other missions with Tony. Not if things played out the way they had.

“You alright?” Tony asked upon seeing the look on Stephen’s face. Even Rhodey was looking at him with concern.

“Yeah,” Stephen replied, a little too fast. “Just tired, I guess.”

Rhodey looked down at Tony for a second before making a decision. “I’ve gotta head out,” he declared. “I’ll see you guys later.”

He was gone before he received a response, wanting to leave Stephen and Tony to whatever conversation the sorcerer had come over to have.

Stephen was suddenly very aware of how little thought he had actually given his plan. Going back in time and stopping Tony from committing suicide was a great idea. But how he was going to actually accomplish that was shaping up to be another matter entirely, and he was less than an hour in.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Tony asked, voice filled with worry.

All Stephen could do was nod dumbly. “Yeah. I just, uh, I need your help with something.” He took the now empty seat next to Tony once he realized the other man was waiting for him to extrapolate. “I found a relic and I was wondering if you would take a look at it.”

“Yeah, of course,” Tony responded. “Whatever you need. Where is it?”

The sorcerer was having a very difficult time focusing on their conversation and not reveling in the fact that Tony was sitting next to him, alive and well.

Okay, maybe not well, as recent events had proven. But alive.

“I haven’t actually acquired it yet,” Stephen said. “It’ll take me a couple days, probably, but I didn’t know what your schedule was like.”

“For you? My schedule is always open,” Tony joked.

Stephen let himself roll his eyes. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Stark.”

Tony smiled, but the weight of Stephen’s own words started to settle in immediately. He shifted in his seat, but Tony didn’t seem to notice just how on edge he really was.

“I always keep my promises. The good, and the bad,” he assured.

“Aren’t bad promises called threats?”

“I prefer not to use such strong language.” Stephen found himself laughing as Tony just kept smiling. “But seriously,” Tony went on. “Whenever you need me, just give me a call. I don’t have much going on.”

And there it was. Stephen finally picked up on the slightest fall of Tony’s face, the faintest hint of the light leaving his eyes and the tone of his voice dropping.

Stephen wanted to tell Tony he knew he wasn’t okay. He wanted to explain to him that he knew everything, and that it was going to be alright if Tony just asked for help. He wanted to let him know he understood.

But he couldn’t, because that would be crazy. There was no fathomable way Stephen telling Tony he knew he wanted to kill himself would be a good move.

So instead, he told Tony he would call him in a few days when he had secured the relic.

Which he inevitably created himself, just to give Tony something to tinker with.

On the Monday that had previously marked his death, Tony went over to the Sanctum to take a look at the alleged relic for Stephen, and ended up spending more time than was necessary there. The two men were often finding themselves spending additional time together other than what was needed for their work. So it wasn’t unusual for Stephen to have offered Tony coffee after he examined the orb that Stephen found (made), over which the pair talked for more than an hour.

When Tony finally left, Stephen was feeling much better about his plan than he had been when he first started it. He felt that he was establishing more solid ground with the other man, and he had effectively rerouted his plan by having him come over during the time frame he had previously...ended things.

Stephen was working on how to relay to Tony’s friends that he needed additional support when he got the call from Peter.

Tony killed himself that night. Hours after leaving the Sanctum.

After the shock wore off, Stephen accepted the fact that it made sense. Keeping Tony busy during the time he had first enacted his plan wasn’t going to change the entire trajectory of his mindset. He couldn’t just go back to right before it happened, adjust a few things, and think that was going to save the other man. He needed to do more, much more. This wasn’t a simple alteration.

Stephen sat in his study for hours, developing an actual plan this time. He knew in the back of his mind that every time he used the time stone he was running the risk of something going terribly wrong. Wong’s warnings from the first time he had discovered how to use the Eye of Agamotto nagged at him repeatedly, but it didn’t stop him.

He didn’t know it then, but nothing was going to stop him.

***

On take two, Stephen went back much farther. Back all the way to the first time he saw Tony after the final battle with Thanos.

The first time around, they hadn’t interacted much. There had been far too many people in the room, and not many of them even trusted Stephen. Tony had had his hands full dealing with the fallout of the battle, as well as the thousands of things that needed to be sorted out now that everyone had been brought back from the snap.

But now, Stephen’s plan was to accelerate their slowly budding friendship. He was going to be supportive of Tony from the very beginning and keep things from going from bad to worse.

His first opportunity to do that was when Secretary Ross began demanding answers about what had happened on Titan.

The first time around, Stephen had stayed silent and let Tony do all of the talking. He knew that speaking up in a meeting wasn’t going to save Tony’s life. But it could be the first step in what would have to be many right steps in changing the outcome.

So he paid careful attention to the flow of the conversation to find the right opportunity to jump in.

“You’re missing the point, Stark,” Ross spat. “You violated the Accords, again, by engaging in combat with an enemy force in the middle of New York. Again!”

“And what exactly was he supposed to do?” Stephen interjected before Tony had the chance to defend himself. The billionaire’s eyes snapped over to Stephen in surprise. “Ask the aliens to kindly hold on for a few hours while he had it signed off on?”

Ross scoffed. “This isn’t any of your business, Strange, so please–”

“Yes, it is,” Stephen said firmly. “It was my life he saved, so it’s my business.”

“Oh, so it’s your fault this all happened,” Ross said, turning his attention fully on the sorcerer.

Stephen laughed humorlessly. “Yes. Thanos enacted his entire plan because of me. My secret is out.”

“Do you think using sarcasm to mask your intentions is going to get you anywhere?”

“It works for him,” Stephen said with a shrug, nodding towards Tony.

Tony’s laugh preempted another shot by Ross. The Secretary instead glared at the pair of superheroes, hoping to be able to convey his disgust through his eyes.

The meeting ended shortly thereafter. While not all that much was different from the first time around, enough had changed. Tony approached Stephen after the Secretary took his leave, smiling at the taller man with a bit of a gleam in his deep brown eyes.

“Where have you been all these years I’ve had to deal with that asshole?”

“Depends on the year.”

Tony smiled. “Well, stick around, would ya? I’m going to need all the backup I can get.”

“I know,” Stephen was saying before he was able to stop himself. Tony quirked an eyebrow. “I just mean I can tell what a pain in the ass he is already,” he explained quickly.

Tony nodded after looking at Stephen for a second. “He wasn’t even in full force today. Just wait, he’ll only get worse.”

_So will you_ , Stephen thought to himself. He pushed that to the back of his mind and focused on the man in front of him,  who had started talking again. Stephen’s attention came back in the middle of what Tony was saying.

“–don’t think it’s a good idea for Ross to figure out how powerful you are. He’s scared of you, but that’s not necessarily a good thing.”

“What do you suggest, then?”

The sight of Tony raking his fingers through his already disheveled hair illustrated how exhausted he was. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “Just be careful, okay?”

Stephen wanted to prolong the conversation, but thought better of it. Tony’s mind was clearly already in several places at once, and the best thing to do seemed to be letting him get out of here before something else came up.

Over the next several days, Stephen stayed in touch as much as he could without seeming suspicious. Tony seemed to really appreciate it, and after a week or so, he started asking Stephen to come by the Tower and took to dropping over to the Sanctum when he started to get restless in the lab. That had all happened before, but not this soon after defeating Thanos.

Which was what Stephen was going for. Starting earlier, being more supportive, more attentive. Tony was struggling, and he needed help.

But Stephen still didn’t know Tony all that well. Sure, he had seen him fight to the death in over fourteen million futures. He had watched him sacrifice his life to save Peter, Quill, Mantis. To save Stephen. He was well aware of how loyal Tony was.

What he didn’t know was how good Tony was at lying.

Hiding what was really going on was something Tony had perfected by the time he was a teenager. No one ever knew the full extent of what was happening. Not Rhodey, Pepper, Happy. Not Stephen. He could slip in and out of an alcohol binge like it was nothing. A plethora of drugs could be in his system, and it would appear as though he was just overtired, or on a roll with his work, depending on the drug of choice that particular day.

That was the problem. Tony easily lulled Stephen into a false sense of security, into thinking he was doing okay and wasn’t spiraling downward when in fact, he was already at rock bottom.

So when Stephen went to the penthouse two weeks after what had become known as _The First Time_ in Stephen’s mind, he was just as stunned to find the engineer dead in his lab as he had been when he received the first call from Peter.

“I don’t understand,” he thought out loud.

“Boss did not intend for any of his friends to find him, Doctor Strange,” FRIDAY said from the ceiling. Her voice was flat, totally emotionless.

“Please help me,” Stephen begged, looking up. “I need to help him.”

Several long moments passed. “Boss is no longer with us.”

Stephen breathed a humorless laugh. “I’m aware of that. But I can change it, that’s what I’m trying to do. You know what I can do, with this,” he said, tugging on the now nondescript silver pendant concealing the time stone around his neck. “Help me save him.”

He stood there for so long with no reply that Stephen started to assume FRIDAY had permanently gone offline. Even still, he couldn’t bring himself to leave the lab, despite the sight of Tony’s lifeless body tearing right into his heart.

“The files uploaded to your phone should be of assistance,” FRIDAY said, making Stephen jump at the break in the quiet. “There isn’t more I can tell you other than that, I’m afraid.”

“Thank you,” Stephen exhaled, the short sentence shaky. “Thank you. I swear, I’m going to save him.”

After convincing FRIDAY to hold off on alerting the authorities, Stephen went into Tony’s living room and started going through what had been provided to him. Even though he was going to reset time, he didn’t see any need to have Tony’s friends find out about it this time around.

Most of what he was looking at were readouts of Tony’s vital signs when he was having anxiety attacks. It didn’t take a doctor to figure out the correlation. An attack would drain him, but wouldn’t let him rest. That’s where the alcohol would come in. Tony would drink until he made himself pass out. But if he had something he needed to do, or wanted instead to stay up and press through it, that’s where he would turn to the drugs. Cocaine seemed to be his go to, but there were several prescription pills he frequented as well. Despite not having a prescription for any of them.

When Stephen got to the few videos FRIDAY had sent, he paused. He didn’t think of this as a violation of Tony’s privacy until he saw a still of the other man’s face on his phone screen, pictured as if he were looking right at Stephen.

But this was for a good reason. This was to help him, to save his life.

And besides, this Tony wasn’t going to exist anymore once Stephen hit the reset button.

So he played the first video.

“ _I can’t do that.”_

_Tony’s voice was hoarse and broken. His bloodshot eyes dropped from the camera down to the wires in front of him. The wires he would hook up to the device on the table and then to the arc reactor. The wires that would stop his heart._

“ _I don’t understand how you can just leave all of them behind without telling them why.”_

_FRIDAY’s tone was almost frantic. The AI was clearly upset, near heartbroken._

“ _Because I can’t explain why!” Tony yelled suddenly, slamming his tools down on the metal desk. “I’ve tried to come up with the words, and I can’t. There is no way to explain to Peter that no matter how much I love him, no matter how much I care, I can’t replace the fear of something happening to him. I can’t explain that every time I look at him, I see him disappearing into fucking dust. There’s no way for me to tell anyone how broken I feel.”_

“ _This is a drastic measure, Boss, and I think you–”_

“ _It’s the only measure,” Tony interrupted. “This is the only way to make it stop.”_

“ _Make what stop?”_

“ _The pain! I’m always in pain. Some of it is just in my head, I get that, but that’s the problem. My head is the fucking problem. Nothing helps, nothing stops it. And I can’t do it anymore.”_

Watching Tony’s turmoil unfold right in front of his eyes was a unique form of torture. Hearing the desperate man arguing with his AI and making his case as to why he had no other choice was crushing. In the back of his mind, Stephen was realizing that this had been a mistake. That he couldn’t just magically fix Tony and make it all better.

But it was too late for that.

Instead, he convinced himself that he had enough information now. That he could develop an even better plan, and actually start helping Tony.

There was no doubt in Stephen’s mind that the other man deserved this. He deserved to be happy, to be free of fear and guilt and anxiety.

Tony Stark deserved to be saved.

***

There were very few situations in Stephen Strange’s lifetime where he had been completely taken aback without a single clue of what to do.

Seeing Tony Stark in a drunken, percocet induced rage was at the top of that very short list.

Several go rounds later, and Stephen had been on the best streak yet with his blossoming friendship with Tony. Each time he reset the timeline, Stephen got a little bit closer with the man he was attempting to save. Their bond seemed to develop faster and stronger each time, but Stephen told himself that was just how it seemed to him, because he had done it a few times now.

_A few times_ , he said to himself, to try and ignore the fact that it had been more than what would fit into that phrase.

The repeated failures were beginning to get to Stephen. How many times could he lose someone who was becoming increasingly important to him before he broke?

He didn’t know it at the time, but that question would be answered. Eventually.

As for right now, he was currently dodging an empty whiskey bottle that was thrown in the general vicinity of his head while trying to come up with the magic words to say to get Tony to calm down.

“You know that this is a bad idea,” Stephen said carefully, making the mistake of trying to reason with a man who was not in a state to act reasonably.

“I know what I’m doing, Strange,” Tony spat. The use of Stephen’s last name was intentional. “I don’t need a fucking babysitter.”

“That’s not what I’m doing,” Stephen replied. “I’m just trying to help you.”

“I don’t need your help. I’m fine, everything is fine. I need you to leave me alone. Now.”

Stephen shook his head slowly. “I’m not going to do that.”

“Why the fuck not?” Tony demanded. “Why do you care what I’m doing? You don’t even like me. No one fucking likes me. Stop pretending to care just to make yourself fucking feel better.”

That hit a little too close to home for Stephen. He couldn’t deny that this had all been started because of the overwhelming guilt he had felt when Tony had taken his own life. Yes, he absolutely wanted to help Tony. But he also wanted to get that constant heaviness in his heart to go away for good.

“I do care about you. You know I do. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t care.”

“I don’t believe you,” Tony said with an empty laugh. “For all I know you’re here to spy on me.”

Stephen frowned. “Spy on you for who?”

“Your _order_ or whatever the fuck you call it. How do I know they didn’t send you after me?”

In lieu of explaining that there was no one to send Stephen anywhere, because he was the Sorcerer Supreme and therefore would be the one who would ‘send someone,’ Stephen took a breath. Arguing wouldn’t get him anywhere. Rational discussion wouldn’t get him anywhere. The only way he could get through to Tony was his actions. The other man was too drunk and too high for anything else.

“I guess you don’t,” Stephen conceded. “So you’ll just have to trust me.”

“I don’t trust you.”

Stephen nodded once. “That’s okay. I don’t blame you. But I’m not leaving you like this.”

“Who the fuck do you think you are? Why–”

“Because I’m scared of what you’ll do if I walk out that door.”

That stopped Tony’s ranting for a moment. He stared at the taller man, looking at him as if he had suddenly read his thoughts. Which terrified him, replacing his anger effectively.

“I’m not going to do anything,” Tony said, trying to keep the venom from earlier in his voice. But it mostly fell flat. “I’m going to finish my work, probably track down some more whiskey. None of which is any business of yours.”

The last sentence struck Stephen as being something he would have said, and not something he would have expected to hear from Tony. That told him the genius was thrown off and was just trying to get Stephen out of here.

“You don’t have to keep doing this to yourself, Tony.”

As if a flip has been switched, tears started falling from Tony’s already bloodshot eyes. Every emotion possible flashed across his face as he struggled to find the words to respond to that.

“You have no fucking idea what I have to do,” Tony eventually managed. “You don’t know me. You don’t know what this is like.”

“You’re right,” Stephen agreed. “I don’t. But you don’t know what it’s like for me, watching someone I care about fall apart like this.”

Tony shook his head. The tears never slowed. “You can’t care about me. And if you do now, it won’t last. It never does.”

Stephen gave Tony the warmest and most convincing smile he could muster. “I’d like the chance to prove you wrong, if that’s okay.”

Relent isn’t the right word, because Tony didn’t. He still kept trying to push Stephen away when he was drunk. Or high. Or both. Or just having a bad day. He would still pick a fight with him whenever he felt insecure or anxious. But Stephen never gave up, he never wavered.

Not when Tony yelled at him. Now when Tony threw things at him. Not when Tony threatened him.

To say their friendship at this point was a roller coaster was an extreme understatement. For as explosive as Tony could be, he could be just as gentle and apologetic for his behavior. Stephen knew Tony wasn’t dangerous to anyone other than himself. Which was the problem.

Slowly but surely, things were getting better. The wall Tony had built up around himself was coming down, bit by bit. Stephen was now a regular presence in his life, and he knew it was for the better. He never would have guessed that after everything, he would be able to make any new friends. But here they were.

Almost out of nowhere, there seemed to be something new between them. Their banter turned towards straight out flirting, which they both recognized, but neither attempted to adjust or stop. Tony was letting Stephen see a side of him no one else had really seen, and in return, Stephen was doing the same. The trust that Tony had been adamant wasn’t there before certainly was now.

It wasn’t until Tony’s death that Stephen recognized the true extent of his own feelings.

_Routine mission_ , was what Fury had told the Avengers before they had set off to parts unknown for some sort of extraction. Stephen never learned the details. He hadn’t been involved. Only Tony, Scott Lang, Sam Wilson, and Carol Danvers had been sent.

What it boiled down to was Tony died protecting his teammates. An unexpected complication had stalled Lang, and while Sam went to his aid, Tony created a distraction. Which turned into an ambush. Which turned into Tony not making it back alive.

The heartbreak was different this time around. Everyone was upset, but to a different extent. Losing Tony in the field was very different than losing him in his own lab. It hadn’t been expected, necessarily, but the reality was that what Tony did every day was very dangerous, and it was always a possibility that it would get the better of him.

Tony died a hero. He died saving other people. Which came as a surprise to exactly no one.

And Stephen should have let it be. He should have recognized it for what it was. But he didn’t.

Because he had fallen in love with Tony Stark. And now there was no conscious choice to be made.

Either Tony lived, or Stephen hit reset.

It was as simple as that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a good example of what I meant when I said at times this story can feel rushed, or like it's missing expansion in detail in certain areas. I didn't necessarily do that on purpose, but when editing, it felt right given how these sorts of circumstances can feel that way. You experience everything so deeply, but at points it can pass in sort of a blur. 
> 
> It starts to get worse here before it's going to get better. 
> 
> As always, I really appreciate the feedback.

Just because he felt it didn’t mean Stephen had to acknowledge it. In fact, he did everything he could to prove otherwise.

That lasted about two hours. Tops.

Stephen was working on enacting his new plan of reaching out to Rhodey to let him know his friend wasn’t doing all that well when he abandoned it completely, for no reason other than the fact that Tony smiled at him.

They had been chatting after the confrontation with Ross – which went the same way it had the first time Stephen had replayed it – when the billionaire made a comment about Stephen’s lodgings.

“Headed back to Hogwarts now, Doc?”

The unimpressed look Stephen managed landed better than he thought it did. “Seriously? You’re going to take shots at the Sanctum, when you live in a skyscraper with your name in literal flashing lights on the side?”

In return, Stephen had been expecting a smirk. But what he got was a genuine, bright smile.

And that’s what did it.

“The lights don’t flash,” he pointed out. “Except for special occasions.”

“My mistake,” Stephen said, rolling his eyes to try and hide his own smile. “I’ll probably be able to see it more clearly now with the Hulk sized hole in my ceiling.”

Tony’s smile faltered ever so slightly. “You can’t just...” he waved his hands in the air, trying to mimic Stephen’s when he was casting a spell. “Magic it back together?”

“Did you just – no, there’s no spell to put it all back together,” Stephen replied, opting to ignore the fact that Tony used ‘magic’ as a verb. “I have to use spells as I go, protection charms and such. The ceiling will actually be the easy part. It’s the stairs that will be a pain in the ass, but I guess with portals we don’t even really need them,” he said, thinking out loud more than anything else.

“I can fix the stairs.”

Stephen raised an eyebrow. “You’re a carpenter as well as an engineer?”

Tony shrugged, but his smile was back in full force. “It’s not all that complicated. Rhodey’s uncle was a contractor. We spent most summers in college helping him on job sites. I could get your stairs fixed in a couple days.”

“I can’t ask you to do that,” Stephen said, while internally he was ecstatic for an excuse to spend extra time with Tony. In order to continue with his plan to help him. Nothing more.

The brunet shook his head. “You’re not asking, I’m offering. It’s really not a big deal. Unless, of course, the thought of having me around is too much to stand.”

It was intended as a joke. Stephen knew that. But he still picked up on the slight change in tone to Tony’s voice, and the flash of insecurity in his brown eyes.

“You’re not half as annoying as you wish you were, Stark,” Stephen teased. His heart warmed at the flicker of happiness that crossed Tony’s face. “I just wouldn’t want it to be an imposition.”

“Can’t be any more of an imposition than my friend crashing through your home was,” Tony pointed out.

The very next day, Tony set to work.

Stephen did his best not to watch too much. He spent most of the time Tony was there working on the ceiling, weaving the intricate runes into the metal and glass in a much more drawn out process than was necessary. But he couldn’t help it.

Watching Tony Stark building something with his bare hands was...hot.

Jeans and a black t-shirt had no right looking that good, on anyone. Stephen berated himself for letting his mind wander there when the other man was so very clearly struggling with a magnitude of issues. However, Stephen was only human. And it was impossible not to appreciate how attractive Tony is.

Some light conversation found its way into their time working in the foyer, but for the most part, it was a steady silence. Which was odd to Tony, at first. It was rare for him to be so comfortable around someone and not feel the need to fill the air around them with his own voice. Usually, quiet meant being stuck with his own thoughts. Which was never a good thing. But with Stephen, it was fine. More than fine. He was calm, and could focus on what he was doing.

And if he snuck a peak here or there up at the handsome sorcerer floating above him, then that was just an added bonus.

At the end of the day, Tony had cleared away all the rubble left by Bruce and repaired the frame of the stairs so that he could get started on replacing them. Stephen insisted he stop there, however, and offered dinner as a thank you.

“Thank me when it’s done and you know for sure you’re not going to fall through it,” Tony said. But, not wanting to go home to be alone just yet, he quickly added, “on second thought, I’ll take that dinner. Don’t want to take my chances and end up empty handed."

The same offer was made the following day, when Tony had all but finished the stairs. Stephen had completed the ceiling by late morning, and retired to his study to do some research for the rest of the day, checking in on Tony periodically until he was finally able to get him to quit and eat something.

“I’ll be back in the morning to sand and stain them,” Tony decided.

The urge to tell Tony that that wasn’t necessary died in Stephen’s throat. It didn’t take much to figure out that Tony liked having somewhere to go during the day, a project to work on. He certainly was in no position to deprive him of that.

But Tony didn’t show up the next morning.

Stephen was worried, of course. He was certain he was going to find headlines reporting Tony’s untimely demise, and when he didn’t, he just became confused. A phone call to the billionaire went straight to voicemail, and short of checking the Tower and compound personally, Stephen didn’t have very many options. He considered that Tony might have just needed a break, or that something came up.

Which, it turned out, it had.

The Sanctum doors opened to allow Tony entrance just past seven that evening. Stephen heard the doors closing as he got up and made his way out of the library, coming to the top of the recently repaired stairs to find Tony standing at the bottom, holding his hands up.

“I’m so sorry, Stephen,” he said once he saw the taller man.

Stephen frowned at the other man’s words as well as his appearance as he made his way down to Tony. He was wearing a suit, which he of course looked fantastic in, but his extended hands were shaking, and he looked utterly exhausted. Despite the distance between them, Stephen could tell his eyes were bloodshot and weary with dark circles underneath.

“Sorry for what?” Stephen inquired, keeping his voice light.

“I said I was going to finish today,” Tony responded. He sounded out of breath, as if he had run across the city. “But I forgot about this god damn meeting with Rogers, and we couldn’t go five minutes without trying to kill each other again.” He ran an unsteady hand through his already disheveled hair. “And they took my phone so I wouldn’t be distracted. The day just got away from me.”

Stephen shook his head slowly. “Tony, it’s fine. You didn’t do anything wrong. I know you have countless other responsibilities that are more important than some stairs. I’m not mad at you. You don’t owe me anything.”

“But I wanted to be here, I wanted to finish because I said I would and I don’t want you to–” Tony trailed off as tears filled his tired eyes.

It took Stephen longer than he cared to admit to realize that Tony was verging on an anxiety attack. Given his abundant experience with them from the other tries, he should have noticed right away.

“Well, you’re here now,” Stephen said, stepping a bit closer to Tony. “I was just about to take a break for dinner. Can you stay?”

Tony nodded weakly. “I can finish.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Stephen said with a wave of his hand. “It can wait until tomorrow, if you’re free.” Another slight nod. “Plus, the light will be much better in the morning anyway. I meant stay for dinner.”

Without any energy to argue, much less sand and stain a large staircase, Tony followed Stephen into the kitchen, where he promptly collapsed into the chair at the small table.

“Are the leftovers from the Thai food we had last night okay?”

A short laugh made its way through Tony’s lungs. “I can’t believe Wong didn’t polish it all off already.”

“He knows better than to touch my food.”

Stephen tried not to stare as he went about reheating the containers, but Tony’s back was to him, so he was able to get away with it. He watched as Tony shed his jacket over the back of the chair before tugging at his tie until it was loose around his neck, undoing the top few buttons and rolling his sleeves up to his elbows. His phone started buzzing on the table in front of him, but he immediately silenced it and shoved it away into the inside pocket of his blazer prior to holding his head in his hands.

A plate of food being placed in front of him made Tony finally look up as Stephen joined him at the table.

“Thank you,” he said, voice raspy and weak.

“Is there anything else you need?” Stephen inquired.

“No. This is perfect.”

Leaving it at that for now, they ate in silence. Stephen chanced the occasional look at Tony, but the other man kept his eyes down. He ate more than Stephen thought he would, but still left more than half of the food on his plate.

“Coffee?” Stephen asked after what felt like hours.

“Please,” Tony replied, standing to take their plates over to the sink.

They opted to go into the study with their warm drinks, seeking the comfort of the cozy room and its overstuffed couch. Tony clutched his mug between his hands as if it were a lifeline.

Stephen studied his face for several moments before he developed the courage to speak.

“I know I’m not very good at this sort of thing, and we don’t know each other very well. But...what can I do, Tony?”

Tony huffed a humorless laugh. “I really wish I knew how to answer that,” he all but whispered. “All day I was terrified.”

“Why?” Stephen prompted gently.

“I was convinced I ruined this,” Tony admitted, looking down into his cup. “That you would think I was being selfish, or blowing you off or something. Because this is what I do, I fuck things up and forget. Even if something is important to me.”

Even though Tony paused, there wasn’t enough time for Stephen to formulate a response. He was trying to comprehend what Tony had just said when the other man spoke again.

“We do know each other really well, though,” he went on. “After everything we went through on Titan, I know all I need to know about you.”

“You do?”

A small smile ghosted Tony’s lips as he looked up. “You’re insanely smart. Maybe _too_ smart. But you use your intelligence to do the right thing. Even if it’s hard, because you’re extremely brave. And even though we fought basically the entire time, right from the beginning, I knew I could trust you.”

“Why?” Stephen couldn’t help but ask.

“I don’t really know,” Tony admitted. “Maybe because you didn’t like me, but still asked for my help. You didn’t try to manipulate anything to go your own way. You just – you did what you had to do.”

Stephen swallowed hard. “I assumed you would hate me for what I did.”

“You saved my life,” Tony replied. “I might not have gotten the whole picture at the time, but I do now. I don’t hate you, Stephen. I don’t think I could even if I tried.”

It was Stephen’s turn to avert his eyes, which made him miss Tony’s smile growing. The brunet looked at the sorcerer for a few seconds before deciding he was going to continue with this line of conversation.

“Maybe it’s because you and I are a lot alike.”

That got Stephen to raise his eyes. “You think so?”

Tony nodded. “But that’s running off the assumption that you haven’t always been a bad ass wizard and that that only happened after, ah, that happened,” he said, motioning towards Stephen’s scarred and trembling hands.

A pang of anxiety tore through Tony at the expression that crossed Stephen’s face. He looked away again, and Tony cursed himself for bringing up something that was clearly very sensitive. Tony set his mug down, forcing himself not to let out the breath he had been holding in any noticeable way.

“I’m sorry,” Tony expressed. “I didn’t mean to – fuck, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry, I can just–”

“Tony,” Stephen said, stopping him from getting up by putting his unsteady hand on Tony’s knee. It surprised himself as much as it did Tony. “It’s okay. You’re right. My accident is what led me to become what I am now.”

“What happened?” Tony asked carefully. He was shocked that his voice was as even as it was, and he forced himself not to look down at Stephen’s hand still on his leg.

Stephen sighed. “Car accident. I was driving like an asshole, and clipped another car. Went off a cliff into the water. Destroyed my hands, obviously. I had so many surgeries to try and fix them because I couldn’t work any more. Then I heard about this guy who had gone to a place called Kamar-Taj, and that’s where I trained.”

Once he realized his hand was still shaking on Tony’s knee, Stephen pulled it away to clasp together with his other hand in his lap. He immediately wished he hadn’t, but was afraid that otherwise it would have gotten awkward.

It took a little while, but Stephen eventually explained to Tony what he had learned from The Ancient One, and how he could have had his hands back, but chose sorcery instead. He left out the finer details of dealing with Kaecilius and Dormammu, figuring that was a conversation for another time.

But Tony didn’t need to hear the full story to pick up on the fact that there was more to it.

“That’s the thing about going through hell,” Tony said, seemingly thinking out loud more than anything. “You do what you can to get through and come out the other side. But sometimes...you don’t. Not really.”

“I think that just means you’re still going through it.”

Tony’s eyes locked onto Stephen’s in a way that told the sorcerer that the other man had never thought of it that way. He watched as Tony’s eyes became distant as another thought occurred to him.

“What if there is no other side?” he asked as if he were afraid of the answer. “What if it’s not something I can get through, and this is just how it’s always going to be?”

Stephen turned in his seat so he was completely facing Tony now. “How what’s always going to be?”

“I don’t...” Tony trailed off immediately, shaking his head slowly. “I can’t really explain it. I’m just so fucking tired.”

His voice broke, and Stephen’s heart followed suit.

Without thinking, Stephen closed the gap between him and Tony by pulling him into a strong hug. Tony was caught off guard and didn’t respond at first. But just as Stephen was about to let him go, thinking he had made a mistake, Tony wrapped his arms around the taller man and let out a shaky breath against Stephen’s shoulder.

“You must think I’m such a god damn head case,” Tony muttered quietly.

“I think you’re too hard on yourself,” Stephen replied, still holding Tony tightly. “And I think you’re doing your best, and you don’t realize that that doesn’t mean being okay every single day.”

The embrace only ended because Tony pulled back to look at Stephen in awe before letting out a short laugh.

“Can’t take the doctor out of the wizard, huh?”

“Guess not,” Stephen agreed with a small smile.

Exhaustion wouldn’t loosen its grip on Tony, but he wasn’t going to let it stop him from saying what he suddenly had the overwhelming urge to articulate. “The only good days I’ve had for a while have been here. With you."

“You’re welcome any time, Tony,” Stephen managed through the lump that had formed in his throat.

“Even after the stairs are done?”

Stephen breathed a laugh. “Especially after they’re done. You’re more fun to hang out with when you’re not busy working.”

After finishing his coffee, Tony took his leave, but only after promising Stephen he wouldn’t come over the following day before eleven in the morning. The sorcerer was stern in making Tony promise to get some much needed rest, and all but threatened him against showing up at the crack of dawn.

Who knew Bruce Banner falling through the Sanctum’s ceiling would kick start something other than the battle against the Mad Titan.

***

When Stephen finally accepts it, Tony isn’t even aware that he’s there at first. He’s working on DUM-E, who managed to bend one of his claws in the wrong direction and short circuit a few wires in his ensuing panic.

Stephen was about to announce his presence when he heard Tony talking softly as he mended the damage.

“Take it easy, buddy,” he said, voice low and calm. “I’m almost done. I promise.” He moved his free hand to rest on the machine’s metallic arm as he worked. “I should have been paying more attention. U should have, too, but I think you guys were working in cahoots again.”

Soft beeps followed Tony’s words, and then gentle laughter came from the mechanic.

Stephen was rooted to the spot. He felt like his heart was going to burst at the sight before him.

_Oh_ , Stephen thought to himself.  _So this is what love feels like._

_Fuck._

Finally, Tony noted he was there when he swung his chair around to the other side of DUM-E.

“Oh, hey Doc,” he greeted. “Give me a sec?”

Stephen could only nod silently in response. He watched as Tony finished, continuing to speak soothingly, completely uncaring that Stephen was present. There was no insecurity that stopped him from treating his creation as anything other than just that.

It only took a few minutes for Tony to be done. He jokingly admonished DUM-E while stroking the newly fixed claw with his forefinger a couple times. Doing so made Stephen wonder just how this was the same man who had been called countless terrible things by so many people. He was considering that it was because no one else ever got to see him like this when Tony turned to him, his attention now fully on the sorcerer.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” he apologized as he got up from his chair to walk over to Stephen. 

“No, not a problem at all,” Stephen replied. “Is he alright?”

Tony felt a wave of affection towards the other man at his genuine acceptance of how Tony acted around his robots. He smiled warmly and nodded.

“Yeah, he’s fine. How are you? Everything alright in Nepal?”

They had come up with this arrangement on their own, and were somewhat surprised when both Fury and Ross agreed to it. Stephen wouldn’t join the Avengers, or even answer to them. But he would meet with Tony, and Tony only, to keep him apprised of anything that was necessary for the superheroes to be aware of. The briefings were usually just that, but wouldn’t be the end of their time together. They both grew accustomed to spending additional time at either the tower or the Sanctum, depending on the week, and more and more were growing attached to each other.

It even got to the point of extending well beyond business hours, as Tony demonstrated one night not long after Stephen had seen him caring so tenderly for DUM-E.

Even though no one else called him, Stephen always looked at the caller ID on the screen of his phone when it began to ring. Maybe just to be sure, or maybe to see Tony’s name flashing at him. There was no way to know for sure.

Stephen didn’t even have time to say anything in greeting before Tony was sighing on his end of the line.

“I fucked up.”

He didn’t need to ask what Tony meant. Over the last several weeks, Tony had been doing remarkably well in terms of his sobriety. A blowout fight with Stephen over his substance abuse had lead to him swearing off of everything altogether. But it appeared as though the first relapse had arrived.

Stephen took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He glanced at the clock next to his bed, where he had been reading for the better part of the night. It was just past one in the morning, but he was now wide awake.

“Okay,” Stephen finally replied, keeping his voice even. “Where are you?”

“Home,” Tony answered. His voice was shaking even with the one word response. “I was going to call you before, I swear, but I just – I couldn’t.”

Asking if it was alcohol or drugs wasn’t necessary. Stephen could hear the slight slur to Tony’s words, as if he were speaking with a swollen tongue.

“It’s–” Stephen stopped himself from continuing, because it wasn’t okay. “You’re okay,” he said instead. “Do you want me to come over?”

“I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Tony.”

A shaking breath came before the eventual reply. “Yes.”

Stephen found Tony on the floor of his living room, sitting against the couch with his elbows on his knees and head in his hands. He didn’t look up when he heard Stephen walking over and sitting down next to him. It wasn’t until Stephen gently tugged his hands away from his face that Tony forced himself to look over.

“Did you take anything?” Stephen asked gently.

Tony shook his head. “No. I just polished off a bottle of whiskey. There’s nothing else here.”

He believed that Tony hadn’t taken anything else. His behavior was resigned and depressed, which was the result of the alcohol. Any of the usual drugs added to that would have made him behave erratically.  But he did not, for one second, believe that there was nothing else in the penthouse.

And Tony knew it.  He dropped his eyes to the floor in defeat, wishing more than anything he could take that lie back and just be fucking honest for once.

“FRIDAY?” Stephen prompted gently.

“The navy jacket in the back of Boss’s closet, Doctor Strange.”

One might think Tony would have programmed FRIDAY to be his accomplice and not allow her to relay this sort of information to anyone. But FRIDAY wasn’t just a program, she was an AI, and that meant she was able to grow on her own. Tony couldn’t bring himself to ever prevent that. After all, she was designed to help him. And sometimes, he needed to be protected from himself.

Leaving Tony for the time being, Stephen went into the billionaire’s bedroom. The bed looked like it had just been occupied, but Stephen knew without needing to be told Tony hadn’t slept in a long time. He went into the closet, easily finding the jacket FRIDAY had mentioned. It seemed to be one of Tony’s favorite hiding places. Addicts were predictable that way. Intelligence didn’t matter when you were sick. Tony could outsmart any other human being on the planet. But when it came to alcohol and drugs, he wasn’t a genius anymore. He was just a man struggling with a terrible disease.

“Anything else?” Stephen asked softly as he stared down at the unmarked bottle of pills in his hand.

“No, Doctor Strange. Boss does what he can to keep the temptations to a minimum. He keeps them around as a last resort.”

Stephen found himself nodding as he went into Tony’s bathroom and flushed the pills down the toilet. He watched as they disappeared before putting the now empty bottle in his own pocket before heading back into the living room.

But Tony wasn’t there.

It didn’t take long to find him. The cool air coming from the open door leading from the kitchen out to the terrace tipped Stephen off pretty quickly. He froze in the doorway, however, at the sight of the other man. He was clutching the railing so tightly that his knuckles were white, and he was starting not out at the city lights, but straight down.

“Tony.”

“There was no reason,” Tony was saying, seemingly to himself more than to Stephen. “I didn’t have a panic attack. I didn’t get in a fight with Rogers, or have a nightmare about Peter dying. I just wanted to. So I did.”

S tephen felt his heart rate increase tenfold. He knew that if Tony did something stupid, like hop over the railing, for instance, that he would be able to save him. Easily. But that thought wasn’t all that comforting knowing that that was all but certain to be what was on Tony’s mind.

“Please come back inside,” Stephen almost begged. “Come talk to me.”

“I’m not going to talk to you. I’m just going to keep lying,” Tony said. He closed his eyes, and the city lights reflected off the tears that flowed down Tony’s pale cheeks. “All I can do is drink and take drugs and fucking lie.”

Stephen took a few steps outside, but stopped when he saw Tony tense. “Tony, please. Come inside.”

The other man finally opened his eyes and looked at Stephen. “I’m scaring you, aren’t I,” he stated instead of asked.

“Yes,” Stephen answered honestly.

Tony shook his head slowly. “I don’t scare myself anymore,” he said so softly Stephen almost hadn’t heard him. “I don’t think that’s a good thing.”

Just when Stephen was given serious consideration to crossing to Tony and pulling him back into the penthouse, the brunet moved on his own accord and slowly shuffled past Stephen back into the kitchen. The sorcerer took several deep breaths before following, closing the door securely behind him.

Before he could let himself fall to the floor, Tony was grabbed by Stephen, who carefully maneuvered him into the living room and onto the couch as opposed to the cold, hard floor. Tony would have made the argument that he deserved the latter.

“Aren’t you sick of this?” Tony suddenly asked, genuinely wanting to know. “Aren’t you sick of me?”

Stephen shook his head. “No.”

“But you’re mad at me,” Tony decided.

“I’m worried, Tony,” Stephen said, keeping a sigh at bay. “I just want to help you.”

T he look in Tony’s eyes was one Stephen hadn’t seen before, which was probably why he was completely taken off guard when Tony’s lips were suddenly on his.

Strong but trembling fingers griped at Stephen’s shirt, pulling him closer. Once his utter shock wore off, he was able to pull away, putting a hand over Tony’s and his other pressing against his chest lightly.

“You’re drunk,” Stephen said lamely, earning a laugh from Tony.

“Yeah, no shit. But that’s never stopped anyone before.”

The air left Stephen’s lungs at the thoughts that started racing through his mind at that statement. That disclosure, really. He was so caught up in his own head that he almost wasn’t able to dodge Tony trying to kiss him again.

“Come on, Stephen,” Tony all but whined. “You’ve had to put up with enough of my bullshit. You should at least get laid out of it. Or, if you’re not into that, at least let me blow you.”

Stephen felt like his throat had collapsed completely in on itself. He couldn’t breathe. His stomach was flipping, and his heart had to be somewhere on the floor. There was no way it was still in his chest at this point.

“You can do whatever you want to me,” Tony promised, still trying to pull Stephen forward.

“I’m not doing anything to you,” Stephen finally managed. “That’s not why I’m here.”

The confusion on Tony’s face confirmed Stephen’s worst fear.  T hat this was learned behavior and what Tony had come to believe was expected of him. Everyone wanted something from him – whether it was a favor, money, ideas, sex.  Stephen hoped it was the alcohol that was making his mind jump to such terrible conclusions where he himself was concerned.

“Tony,” Stephen said firmly to shake the other man out of his own thoughts. “I need you to understand that you are worth so much more than that.”

Once those words sunk in, Tony withdrew his hands and shook his head. “No, no. Don’t do that.  Don’t make this into something it’s not. You don’t have to convince me you care.”

“Apparently I do,” Stephen said. “Because I’ve lead you to believe that I would take advantage of you, which is exactly what this would be. The fact it’s happened to you so many times before makes it so much worse, because you think it’s normal. You think this is how you should be treated. But it’s not.”

Tony watched as the usually completely put together and in control sorcerer almost broke down right in front of him. He would admit that the alcohol was contributing to his trouble registering the situation, but he really couldn’t understand what was going on.

An hour could have passed, or only a minute. Tony didn’t know, and he wasn’t sure that Stephen did, either. But they were still staring at each other when Tony started talking, which felt to him to be completely out of his control.

“I was convinced I was a machine until I was seven.”

No amount of time would have been enough for Stephen to come up with a response to that. Not that Tony afforded for one.

“I didn’t have any friends when I was a kid. Never went to daycare or preschool. When I did something other than build a circuit board or watch my dad in the shop, he would say to knock it off because it was for kids. Like when I would color, or play with a toy. He would say that it was for children and not to do it. I didn’t get it, and thought he meant that I wasn’t a kid. And that just made sense to me when he started to say that I was the most problematic thing he had ever created.”

Stephen willed himself to speak, to say anything, because he could feel where this was going and didn’t think he could handle what Tony was inevitably going to say next.

“When I was seven, I dropped an important part my dad had handed me while he was working. It didn’t break, didn’t even leave a scratch. But he broke my arm anyway. That’s when I realized I wasn’t a machine, when I felt the bone snap. I saw the X-Ray and couldn’t believe that I had bones. I was crushed. Because I was human, and that meant I wasn’t special. That was why he never loved me.”

“You are special,” Stephen was saying before he even realized he was going to speak. “That’s my point, Tony. You’re not a machine, you’re not an object.”

“Sometimes I wish I was,” Tony admitted. “I wish I didn’t have to feel anything.” _Because so many people have hurt you_ , Stephen thought, but didn’t say. Tony knew that. All too well. “Except for how I feel about you.”

I t took Stephen a second to realize that Tony had actually said that last part out loud, and it wasn’t something he imagined.

“What do you mean?” was all he could manage in reply.

Tony sighed heavily. “This isn’t how I wanted this to go, but it’s fitting for me, isn’t it? Getting drunk and trying to get you to fuck me so I could tell myself that was the same as just telling you I have feelings for you.”

Unpacking that last confession took Stephen a minute or two,  long enough for Tony to misinterpret his silence.

“And now I’ve completely fucked this up beyond repair and lost–”

An almost bruising kiss stopped Tony mid-sentence. He was still able to respond immediately, however, acting under the assumption that Stephen had decided to get something out of the night for himself.  Tony was proven wrong when he pulled away just as abruptly as he had acted.

“Fuck,” Stephen said to himself more than to Tony. “I can’t – I’m sorry. You’re drunk, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I’m on board, Stephen. Whatever you want, just–”

“No,” Stephen stopped him firmly. “That’s not what I meant. I just reacted to what you were saying because I feel the same way.”

Tony blinked. “You do?”

Stephen nodded firmly, as if to use the movement to clear his head and prevent another rash move on his part. “Yes. I do. I didn’t really realize the extent of it for a while, and when I did I wasn’t sure how to handle it. But I know for sure that I’m not going to go about it the way you think I am.”

“I don’t understand,” Tony said softly. “I mean that I like you as more than a friend. That can’t be what you mean.”

“It is, Tony,” Stephen assured him. “But I think you need some rest. We can talk about it tomorrow.”

“I don’t understand,” Tony repeated. Before Stephen could say anything else, he shook his head slowly. “Can you just – will you stay? I swear I won’t keep trying to jump you. I just need you here.”

“I will if that’s what you want.”

Tony nodded ever so slightly. “That’s what I want.”

There was no awkwardness as they departed from the living room for the comforts of the bedroom. Tony was too drunk to feel awkward, and Stephen was still too shocked. He managed to put that shock aside, however, once they were under the covers and laying on their sides, looking at one another.

“Come here,” Stephen said softly, opening his arms for Tony to immediately fall into.

He was asleep seconds after resting his head on Stephen’s chest.

***

Tony was debating whether or not he should leave his own bed and go hide in the lab, or pretend to be asleep until Stephen woke up and inevitably left.

He hadn’t yet made up his mind when he noted icy blue eyes looking back at him.

“I’m sorry,” Tony rasped, his throat completely dry and thick with sleep.

Stephen frowned, half the expression muted by the pillow he was laying on. “What for?”

“The things I can remember, but most likely the things I can’t.”

Studying Stephen’s face was getting him nowhere. The sorcerer was giving absolutely nothing away, per usual.

“What do you remember?”

Tony was seriously considering pulling the quilt over his head and staying there until this all just went away.

“I remember calling you. Lying to you about having pills here. Kissing you. Telling you about my dad breaking my arm. Kissing you again, I think. Telling you I have feelings for you.”

“Do you remember me telling you I feel the same way?”

Tony swallowed, but it didn’t help. “I wasn’t sure if that part was a dream or not.”

Stephen smiled. “It wasn’t.”

Breathing came a little easier to Tony after that. He knew that he had screwed up, royally, and that his substance abuse problems were going to have to be addressed. Again. But he hadn’t completely scared Stephen away, and Tony was having trouble caring about much else right now.

“So...what do we do?” he asked hesitantly after a moment’s silence.

Trembling fingers sifting into his hair came in response. Stephen slowly leaned over and pressed his lips to Tony’s forehead before settling back down against the pillows, but much closer to him now.

“We’re going to go back to sleep,” Stephen said, his voice somehow lower than it usually was. “And then, when we wake up, you’re going to make breakfast and we’ll figure everything out, okay?”

Tony breathed a laugh that was rooted more in relief than humor. He nodded, using the motion to let himself nuzzle forward against Stephen. When the taller man’s hand stayed in his hair, Tony let his own arm wrap around his lean waist and hold their bodies together. He wasn’t able to come up with any other response, so he stopped trying to think of one and let out a breath into Stephen’s warm skin.

For the next several hours, Tony dozed in and out more than actually slept. The steady presence next to him kept his anxiety at bay, but it was mostly that he couldn’t help himself. Part of him was worried that this really was a dream, and if he slept for too long, Stephen wouldn’t actually be here when he woke up.

That wasn’t something Tony thought he could handle.

The other night at the Sanctum, Tony had explained it the best way he could, about how him and Stephen knew each other really well despite only having met not too long ago. The right words kept escaping him, but he could tell Stephen understood. Tony actually kept going back to a certain kid in Tennessee who had used the word _connected_ , and while he would never admit it to the now teenager, but Harley had been exactly right.

Stephen and Tony were connected.

For better or for worse.

When it finally came time for them to get out of bed, Tony promptly made tea and coffee before setting to work on breakfast. Stephen attempted to say that he had only been joking, but Tony waved him off quickly and continued on what he was doing. It didn’t take very long, and once the waffles and fruit were in front of him, Stephen realized he was quite hungry. They ate in a comfortable silence, which slowly started to turn to the tense side once Tony had cleared their plates and they moved to sit on the couch, fresh cups of their preferred drinks in hand.

Tackling the alcohol and drug use was the easy part. Maybe because it had happened so many times already (even more for Stephen in the other timelines), or maybe because Tony felt as though he had a more compelling reason to stay clean. But he also knew he had to earn Stephen’s trust back in that department.

“The last time this happened, I created a new protocol for FRIDAY.”

Stephen frowned slightly. “What kind of protocol?”

“Basically my own outpatient treatment plan. Using things that have worked for me in the past, the most effective of which is testing. So I made this bracelet, and it constantly monitors me. FRIDAY has learned my behaviors when I relapse, or am about to, and can help me stop it. I’ll test as many times a day as you want me to, I’ll do whatever–”

“Tony,” Stephen stopped him gently. “That’s not – it’s not going to work if you feel like I’m holding you hostage.”

“It’s also not going to work if I never hold myself accountable,” Tony pointed out.

Stephen nodded. “I don’t disagree with you. But I’m not your probation officer. I shouldn’t dictate this. I’m not qualified.”

“You’re a doctor.”

“Not the kind of doctor you need.”

That prompted Tony to take a long drink from his mug. “You want me to go to therapy.”

“I want you to be okay,” Stephen replied. “I want you to be happy and healthy. I think it would be beneficial for what you’re dealing with. But it’s never going to help you if the only reason you’re doing it is to appease me.”

A hard realization settled onto Tony in that moment. He put his mug down on the coffee table and tugged his hands through his hair a few times before sighing. Looking over at Stephen, it appeared that the other man was waiting for what Tony knew he had to say.

“I don’t, uh, I don’t know if I can do this,” Tony said softly.

He wasn’t talking about his sobriety.

“It’s okay, Tony.”

An exasperated, humorless laugh escaped Tony’s lungs. “No, it’s not. It’s really fucking not.”

Before Stephen could reply, Tony was standing, hands flying back to his hair as he started pacing. On his third trip back from walking over to the threshold of the kitchen, he threw his hands in the air and turned back to Stephen.

“I finally have something I want, something that makes me happy and is a good thing. Something that could be so amazing, and I can’t have it. I can’t have _you_ because I can’t go a month without drinking. I’m losing you before I ever got to have you.”

“You’re not losing me,” Stephen said, standing and going over to Tony once he saw the tears filling the other man’s dark brown eyes. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Tony scoffed. “You’re just going to sit around and wait for me to get a handle on my life?”

“Yes,” Stephen answered simply.

Tony blinked. “You know me well enough at this point. You realize that that might not ever happen?”

“Yes.”

“So you’re going to wait for something–”

“Yes.”

The tears finally slipped from Tony’s eyes. “Why?”

“Because I’m not just waiting for something that might not ever happen, I’m still part of something right now. Just because now isn’t the right time for us to start a relationship doesn’t mean that I don’t want anything to do with you. That is, unless, you need space.”

“No,” Tony said immediately, shaking his head. “That’s not what I mean. I just know that if I try to do both, I’ll fuck them both up. And I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Stephen took another half step closer to Tony. “Don’t worry about me, alright?”

“But I am worried,” Tony replied. “I’m worried that I’m not going to be able to do any of this and I’ll never–”

Tony stopped short when Stephen closed the gap completely and pulled Tony into a tight hug. The shorter of the pair immediately encircled his arms around Stephen’s waist and buried his face against Stephen’s neck.

“Just take it one thing at a time, okay?” Stephen suggested. “Don’t worry about a week from now, or a month from now. Get through one day at a time. That’s all that you can do.”

The lump in Tony’s throat prevented him from replying, so instead he just kept holding onto Stephen.

And then, one day at a time, Tony made progress. It wasn’t easy, but he was doing well. They still spent a lot of time together, and their bond was growing even stronger. There were times it was hard to keep their strong feelings at bay, but there was no doubting that the time still wasn’t right. Tony knew that if he didn’t trust himself Stephen wouldn’t, either.

So he did what he could. Every day. He spent more and more time with Peter and told himself it was more for the teenager than it was for him. Therapy still wasn’t something Tony was comfortable with, so he was staying away from that. Just for the time being, he said. Until it felt right.

Being with Stephen felt right. Even if they weren’t more than friends at the moment, just being around him made Tony feel better. There was always a comfortable ease. Stephen never pushed Tony to talk, even when they were dealing with sorcerer and Avengers related matters. It was as if he could read Tony like one of those lengthy, ancient books he had lining the walls of the Sanctum.

Tony had never been so sure about anything more than he was sure about his feelings for Stephen.

Which was why it came as quite a shock to him when he slept with that random woman he met at the bar he decided to go to for a reason Tony couldn’t even remember.

All of his genius went away that day. He hadn’t planned for any of this to happen, although it seemed like exactly the opposite.

Stephen had been training at Kamar-Taj when he saw the notification from FRIDAY. It was almost two hours old, and Stephen cursed himself for not keeping his phone on him at all times. Not that it really mattered, he thought. One drink was all it would take, and once he had stepped foot in the bar, he would have never been able to get there in time to stop Tony from taking that first drink.

“Where is he now?” Stephen asked.

“The penthouse, Doctor Strange. But I should warn you–”

FRIDAY didn’t get to finish her warning. Stephen opened a portal right into Tony’s kitchen, expecting to find the billionaire there with a bottle or two of whiskey.

In hindsight, Stephen wished that was what he had seen.

Tony wasn’t in the kitchen. He was in the living room, with a woman whose face Stephen couldn’t see. She had long, blonde hair and a lean body. That was all he was able to make out from that angle due to the fact that Tony was on top of her, arms braced on either side of her head as he fucked her.

It took a second for Stephen to fully register what he was seeing. The shock of it sent a ringing through his ears, which he would later be glad for. It meant he didn’t have to hear the sounds of Tony having sex with someone else. Seeing it for the brief moment he had was hard enough.

Stephen managed to retreat through a portal to the Sanctum without being noticed. He stood in his bedroom for what felt like hours, trying to make sense of what had just happened. The Cloak of Levitation fluttered around him anxiously, but Stephen couldn’t come up with anything to put it at ease.

He really couldn’t come up with anything at all.

So much time passed that Stephen was beginning to wonder if he had imagined the whole thing. It certainly felt like a bad dream.

Upon realizing it was well past dinner time, and Stephen hadn’t eaten anything in recent memory, he went downstairs to the kitchen to at least make some tea in the hopes that that would settle his stomach.

But he didn’t quite make it that far.

As if on cue, the front doors swung open to allow a frantic Tony Stark entrance to the foyer. Stephen stopped mid stride, turning to look at his newly arrived guest.

He wasn’t drunk anymore, but he was clearly high, explaining his erratic movements and shortness of breath. Tony started to cross over to Stephen but stopped when he noted the hardness of his gray eyes.

“Did you walk here?” Stephen asked out of pure curiosity. He hadn’t seen Tony’s car out front before the doors closed, and the reactor wasn’t glowing in the center of his chest.

Tony nodded. “FRIDAY isn’t all that happy with me right now,” he answered. “She locked me out of – well, everything. And I can’t find my phone.”

“Did you check the couch?”

Tony flinched as if he had been slapped. “I didn’t mean for you to see that,” he whispered.

“Which was why you went somewhere you knew I wouldn’t show up, right?” Stephen asked, unimpressed.

Truth be told, he was a little surprised at himself. Since returning he had repeated over and over in his head that he had no right to be upset, that he wasn’t angry, just worried about Tony. But now, seeing the other man standing in front of him, Stephen just couldn’t help it. He was devastated, but refused to let Tony see that. So instead, he would lash out. He would try to hurt Tony for hurting him. Because he simply didn’t understand. He had done everything right, had been patient and understanding and supportive. And that just didn’t seem to be enough.

Just because he knew better didn’t mean he was going to be able to act better. Tony was high, probably starting to feel the effects of alcohol withdrawal, and had walked over two hours in the cold to get here.

If that wasn’t a recipe for disaster, nothing else would be.

“Well maybe if you had shown up when I needed you none of this would have happened,” Tony fired back.

Stephen turned so he was fully facing Tony. “And when would that have been, exactly? When you called me to tell me that you were having a tough time? Or when FRIDAY alerted me you had gone to a bar to get drunk? At which point did you need me?”

“I’ve always needed you. You fucking know that,” Tony spat. He knew he was completely in the wrong here, no question about it. But that didn’t seem to stop him. “But you would rather go sit on a mountain in Nepal than have to deal with me. Which is fine. I get that. Just don’t give me shit when I screw up because of it.”

“ _Because_ of it?” Stephen seethed, his hands curling painfully into fists. “Are you seriously saying that this is my fault?”

The look on Stephen’s face made Tony falter slightly. “I don’t...it certainly didn’t help.”

“I guess I just don’t know how to help you, Tony,” Stephen said, all of the heat falling away from his voice. “I really have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I would do absolutely anything for you, and it’s not enough.”

Tony tried to swallow, but it felt like a knife was intersecting his windpipe. “I didn’t do this to hurt you,” he managed weakly.

“You don’t owe me anything, Tony,” Stephen sighed. “We’re just friends, remember? We’re not in a relationship. You didn’t cheat on me, you didn’t betray me. You just went to someone else for something you wanted, something you didn’t want from me.”

“No,” Tony said, shaking his head. “Don’t do that. You know that’s not true.”

Stephen laughed humorlessly. “I have no fucking idea what’s true and what isn’t true anymore. I was operating under the assumption that...” he trailed off, suddenly not having the energy to deal with this at the moment. “You know what, I can’t do this right now. You’re high. You shouldn’t be here. You need to go home.”

Tony shook his head. “No, no way. I’m not leaving it like this.”

“Leave _what_ like this?!” Stephen yelled, surprising himself as much as Tony. “We’re not anything, Tony. You made that very clear, even before you found someone else to fuck.”

“I was drunk, I didn’t mean to–”

“Didn’t mean to what? Take your dick out and fuck her?” The language coming from his own mouth wasn’t something Stephen even recognized, but he was having a hard time caring. “It was just an accident? Being drunk makes it all better?”

It was obvious Tony was having difficulty keeping up thanks to his intoxication. He was struggling to take a deep breath and his eyes were glassy and unfocused. Stephen realized he was pushing the other man towards a panic attack, and yet still couldn’t stop himself.

“Tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it. What do I have to do to help you? Handcuff myself to you so that you’re never alone and can’t make decisions for yourself? Just tell me, because obviously I can’t figure it out on my own and I would really like to avoid any more miscommunication in the future.”

Tony narrowed his eyes. “I thought that this wasn’t going to work if you were going to hold me hostage?”

Stephen felt tears stinging his eyes. “I’m not holding you hostage. I’m trying to help you, but I can’t. I’m not entirely sure you even want me to. Other than alcohol, drugs, and having sex with strangers, I have no idea what you want.”

“That’s not what I want,” Tony said, wishing his voice was steadier. “But it never matters what I want. I can’t have what I want, because I’m a fuck up. I do this on _purpose_ , Stephen. I find a way to self destruct and I take it. Every single time.”

“So you did intend for me to find you like that.”

“What? No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Then you were going to tell me it happened even if I hadn’t found out?”

“I don’t, uh,” Tony stammered. “I don’t know. I knew you would find out that I drank.”

Something seemed to click for Stephen. “So when I didn’t show up at the bar to stop you, then you decided to find someone to sleep with because you were mad at me?”

That hadn’t exactly occurred to Tony, but he also couldn’t refute it.

“I wasn’t mad,” Tony replied. “I was just upset, I guess. I thought you didn’t care.”

Stephen stared at him as if Tony had begun speaking in another language. “You thought, that after all of this, that I don’t care? And your response to that was to–”

“Fuck someone else,” Tony interceded. “You’ve made that point already.”

“And what’s _your_ point, Tony?” Stephen scowled, his eyes hardening once again. “Why are you here?”

“To see you,” Tony answered as if it were obvious.

“To what end?”

Tony blinked. “To what – can you just talk normally please? Stop fucking with me just because you know I’m high.”

“Why did you get high before coming here?” Stephen retorted. “It’s at least a two hour walk, which means you had to be popping pills on the way. Why?”

“It was either that or drink more. I had to even out, take the edge off.”

“You didn’t have to do anything. You chose to. I understand that this is hard, but you need to start taking responsibility and recognizing that you’re making conscious choices.”

“I know that.”

Stephen threw his hands in the air. “Then why do you keep making the wrong ones?!”

“Because I don’t have any other fucking choice!” Tony yelled back. Before Stephen could point out that that made no sense, Tony went on. “I don’t do this for fun anymore. I do it because I have to, because otherwise I can’t get out of my own head. I need it. I know how to keep it under control.”

Stephen forced himself to take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You just said, less than a minute ago, that that’s not what you want.”

“It’s not what I want. It’s what I need.”

“It’s what you think you need, because you have a disease. This isn’t something you can stiff arm into submission, Tony.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “I guess you would know.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That’s what you’re trying to do to me,” Tony answered, crossing his arms over his chest.

Stephen felt as if he were now the one who was high and not understanding things. “I’m stiff arming you into submission?” he asked incredulously. “Is that what you seriously think?”

When Tony didn’t respond, Stephen took several challenging steps forward, his height advantage over Tony becoming more apparent the closer he got. The billionaire dropped his arms back down to his sides, as if preparing for a physical altercation. That got Stephen to stop advancing on him, but didn’t do anything else to dissipate his anger.

“I didn’t have to stiff arm you into anything. You threw yourself at me that night, and I could have taken whatever I wanted,” Stephen reminded him, his voice almost threateningly low. “But even though you were begging for it, I didn’t do anything to you. Maybe that’s what you’re really upset about, and you’re trying to get back at me for it.”

Tony straightened his shoulders, doing what he could to show he wasn’t intimidated. Which he wasn’t. Despite Stephen’s words and his tone, there was no doubt in Tony’s mind that the other man would never do anything to hurt him. No matter how Tony acted or what he said, Stephen would never retaliate with violence.

Which Tony was going to use to his advantage, if he could.

“Don’t flatter yourself. I’m sure I didn’t miss too much. Probably a good reason that you were too much of a coward to fuck me, right? I haven’t been losing any sleep over it. Besides, it’s not like I can’t just go out and find someone else to get the job done, someone who was really fucking good, too. Better than you would have been with your insecurities and fucked up hands.”

“Get out.”

While the reaction Tony had been going for was to get a rise out of Stephen, he hadn’t quite expected this. It took his brain a second to recognize that he had just taken it way too far, especially considering the fact that they had told each other not too long ago that they had feelings for one another, and Tony had decided to sleep with someone else for a reason he was now beginning to think didn’t actually exist.

The image of what Stephen had seen wouldn’t leave his mind. He knew it hadn’t meant anything to Tony, but it wasn’t making it sting any less. Stephen had been by his side through his worst moments, responding to virtually every beck and call within seconds of Tony asking for him, and it was some stranger who received his attention.

Tony huffed. “So you can come after me, but the second I fight back you get mad and kick me out? That’s not exactly–”

“Get. Out.”

Where there should have been anger, Tony was now realizing he was seeing heartbreak. Stephen was half a step from breaking down and was very clearly trying to hide that fact from Tony. But he wasn’t succeeding.

Tony regretted pretty much every decision he had made in his life up to this very point.

“I’m sorry, Stephen.”

“For what?” Stephen wanted to know. “What you just said? For lying to me again? For telling me you couldn’t be with me because you needed to focus on getting sober, only to get drunk and sleep with someone else? Or for coming here, like this, and making me feel like this is all my fault for not being enough for you? For not being what you want, not being better than some stranger in a bar.”

Tony didn’t know how to answer that, so he didn’t.

“I don’t want you to be sorry, Tony.”

“I can’t be whatever you want me to be,” Tony wanted to yell, but his voice came out barely above a whisper.

Stephen made no move to wipe away the tears that finally overflowed. “I don’t want you to be anything. I just wanted you.”

“ _Wanted_?” Tony echoed. “As in past tense?”

“Don’t you dare put this on me,” Stephen said. “You’re the one–”

“Who fucked someone else! I got that!” Tony interrupted yet again. “So this is done, completely done, because I made one mistake?” Not leaving any room for response, Tony started walking backward, away from Stephen. “Fine. I’ll just do this on my own.”

No matter what he told himself, Stephen knew that stopping Tony wouldn’t have done any good. He had fallen too far this time around, and telling him everything was okay wouldn’t have changed anything.

It wouldn’t have changed that Tony took it upon himself to finally try heroin in an attempt to drown out everything he was feeling. It wouldn’t have changed the fact that that heroin was cut with fentanyl, making it so that Tony never stood a chance.

Stephen knew Tony was gone before he had even walked out the Sanctum’s front door.

He would later learn that FRIDAY had been totally disabled, preventing her from alerting anyone, especially Stephen, as to Tony’s actions.

Technically, it wasn’t suicide. But an overdose really wasn’t much better.

For the first time in his many runs through this, Stephen considered stopping. He thought about going to Kamar-Taj and hiding away in a closed off room for the rest of his life.

The only thing that stopped him was the fact that he now knew Tony returned his feelings.

And if he felt that way this time, maybe he would again.

So Stephen hit reset.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone is staying safe and sane and healthy and warm (if you live somewhere not always warm like me). Thank you for reading and giving feedback!

He didn’t go all the way back to the beginning. Not this time.

Thinking things over lead him to believe that that was a mistake. Instead, he chose to go to where he felt it had started to go wrong.

The night Tony called him after relapsing.

Except this time, he didn’t relapse. Because Stephen prevented it.

Stepping out of the portal to the front door of the penthouse brought Stephen face to face with a surprised Tony. The engineer stood there, waiting for Stephen to say something. But the sorcerer was busy staring at the other man.

The navy jacket. The one from the back of the closet. The one with the bottle of pills.

But it appeared that Tony was going somewhere, not coming back, so Stephen got her prior to the purchase of the drugs. Which likely triggered the drinking. Which means it wasn’t too late. Not yet.

“Stephen? Is everything okay?” Tony finally asked, bringing Stephen out of his thoughts.

Gray eyes moved from Tony’s jacket to the other’s brown ones. “No. I don’t think so.”

It wasn’t hard for Tony to realize Stephen wasn’t talking about himself. He shifted his weight while he racked his brain for the perfect words to put Stephen at ease.

Nothing came.

“How did you know?” Tony asked, tone defeated already.

Stephen tried to force a smile, but couldn’t. “You’ve been doing really well. Research says this is a danger zone, though. You’re coming up on the longest you’ve been clean in a while. And I just...” he trailed off, unsure how to try to explain it without admitting that he simply _knew_. 

Tony nodded once. “I haven’t done anything.”

“But you want to.” It wasn’t a question.

“I don’t know,” Tony replied, even though he did know. It was just more complicated than that. “I don’t want to get to the point where I _have_ to. At least now, it’s my choice, and I have control.”

Stephen was reminded of the conversation (fight, really) they had had in the last timeline. Where Tony had said something very similar, about being able to control his addiction. Through sheer force of will Stephen was able to quash the other part of that memory and not dwell on the image of Tony on top of that woman because _this_ Tony, the one standing in front of him with pleading eyes, hadn’t done that.

Not yet, at any rate.

It was Stephen’s turn to nod. “I know you think that’s true, but it’s not.”

“I can’t do this, Stephen,” Tony whispered, his voice on the verge of breaking. “I’ve been through this enough to know I can’t.”

“Not on your own.”

Tony huffed. “I am on my own, I’ve always been–”

“You’re not,” Stephen stopped him firmly, but with no heat behind his words. “You’re not on your own, and I can prove it to you if you let me inside.”

He wanted to ask if Stephen meant inside the penthouse, or something more figurative. But he didn’t.

“I’m going to fuck this all up,” Tony said, emotion thickening his throat and making it harder for him to speak. “I can’t let myself hurt you any more than I already have. I can’t. I won’t.”

Stephen shrugged. “Then I guess we’re at a stalemate, because I’m not leaving unless you come up with a much better argument. Which you can’t.”

Realizing he was right, Tony turned back to the penthouse door and held it open for Stephen to enter. They went through the kitchen into the living room, where Stephen noticed Tony had shrugged off his jacket and left it on a chair at the table in the other room. Which, for one reason or another, made Stephen breathe a bit easier.

Once they were seated, Tony started telling him about the new protocol he designed. Stephen listened intently, even though he had heard this part before. He could see the same look in Tony’s eyes, the look that was trying to convince Stephen that this would be enough, and everything would be okay.

And it would. For a while, at least. But then another relapse would happen, and then another, until they weren’t relapses anymore.

“You’re not impressed,” Tony noted when he had finished explaining it.

“No, that’s not true. What you’ve set up is fantastic, Tony, it really is. It’s definitely a step in the right direction. But it’s not enough.”

The engineer scoffed. “What do you want to do? Lock me away in rehab and hope that works?”

“I know that wouldn’t work,” Stephen replied, keeping his voice even although Tony was starting to get animated. “You’ve been to rehab before, and it didn’t work. Or you didn’t let it work. Either way, the outcome won’t be any different with your mindset.”

“Well then what do you suggest, doctor?” Tony said sarcastically.

Pushing Stephen away completely was his only chance at being left alone to continue with his vices. Tony didn’t want that, not deep down, but that was his learned behavior. His natural instinct was to fight back against someone trying to help him because most of the time, it meant they had ulterior motives and the way they hurt him down the road would be far worse than how he would hurt himself.

“You need to do something you’ve never done before,” Stephen said. “You said you’ve never been able to kick this completely, which means the things you normally do don’t work. Not in the long run.”

“Is there some new treatment that only wizards are privy to?” Tony asked.

“Do you know what the definition of insanity is?” When Tony just stared at him, Stephen elaborated. “According to Einstein, at least. I’m sure you’re familiar with his work.”

The slight jab reminded Tony that he was dealing with someone just as stubborn and sarcastic as himself. The persistence, though, reminded him that absent Rhodey and Happy, Stephen was the most consistent person and thing in his life, and had done absolutely nothing but try to help him.

So the facade started to crumble.

“Yeah, I’ve read a thing or two,” Tony replied, but his tone was completely different. Not quite defeated, but getting there.

“What’s the definition?” Stephen asked again.

Tony dropped his eyes. “Doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”

“Do you understand that it applies to this?”

“Don’t do that,” Tony pleaded. “Don’t talk to me like I’m a kid.”

“I’m not. I’m asking if you understand.”

“I understand all too well,” Tony said, looking back up at Stephen. “But do you? Do you have any idea how hard this is?”

Stephen shook his head. “Not exactly what you’re going through, no. I don’t. But I do know what it’s like to be in a place you feel like you can’t come back from.”

“I don’t think there’s a way back for me, Stephen.”

The sorcerer wasn’t willing to accept that. “I know that’s how you feel, and it’s hard to argue with that. But if you had cancer, you would accept medicine and treatment, right? You would do whatever you had to to get better.” Tears started to form in Tony’s eyes. “I know that’s scary, to compare this to cancer. But it’s not that far off. You have a disease. And you can’t just grin and bear it until it consumes you.”

“So what do I do?” Tony asked, his voice very near breaking.

“I don’t have all the answers. I wish I did. But I think you need to go see someone who does.”

“Therapy,” Tony finished. “You want me to go to therapy.”

“I think you need to,” Stephen corrected slightly. “There are professionals who are trained and have years of experience with this exact thing. Aversion and cognitive behavioral therapy are tailored to specifically treat addiction.”

Tony fought down a sigh. “You really think sitting on a couch and telling a stranger how I feel is going to make me better?”

“Do you really think you can know everything about something you’ve never once tried?”

“Have _you_ tried it?” Tony fired back.

“Yes. When my sister died. I was in therapy for almost ten years.”

Tony wished he could take that back. “Fuck,” he breathed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t–”

“I know you didn’t know,” Stephen said with a small smile. “And I was as adverse to the idea as you are. Granted, I was a teenager.”

“But it helped?” Tony asked shyly, ignoring Stephen’s slight jab.

Stephen nodded. “It did. It’s not an overnight fix, and our situations are very different. But it addressed issues that I didn’t even know were issues.”

Tony let out a humorless laugh. “I think I know pretty well which issues need to be addressed.”

It wasn’t until after Tony told the story about his father breaking his arm to Stephen (again) that he agreed he was going to see someone.

Hearing the tale the second time around was no easier for Stephen than it had been the first time, but it seemed easier for Tony. He clearly had control over his words and his actions, which was evidenced by the fact that he didn’t lunge at Stephen lips first or confess his feelings that night.

But he did tell Stephen he appreciated how much he cared, and thanked him for being stubborn and not letting Tony push him away. He promised that he was trying, and he was going to keep trying.

For his part, Stephen promised to do what he could to help Tony find someone he was comfortable talking to. He swore he would always be patient, and all he could ask was that Tony did what he could, one day at a time.

The difference this time around, on top of the lack of a drunken attempt at getting Stephen into bed, was that Tony also talked about his mother.

“She knew what he did,” Tony said quietly. “At first I think she believed him that I fell down the stairs. I don’t know what changed her mind. Maybe the fact that he didn’t come to the hospital, or that I did everything I could to stay as far away from him as possible when we got home. But when they thought I was asleep, they started fighting.”

Stephen swallowed. “Physically?”

“No,” Tony said, shaking his head. “He never hurt her, not that I saw. I don’t think he ever did. He loved her, I know that much. And she loved him. That was the problem. She was probably the only person on the face of the earth capable of loving him, and he knew it.”

The sorcerer watched silently as Tony sat back against the couch, pulling a pillow onto his lap to give his hands something to grasp at. It seemed like that was going to be it, and Stephen was thinking of what to say, but then Tony went on.

“She told him that if he ever hurt me again, that that would be it. We would be gone, and he would never see us again. I remember she took me away for the next few days, to a hotel in Vermont. I thought she was just trying to cheer me up because I was going to spend the entire summer in a cast, but later I realized she was showing him she was serious.” Tony’s eyes flicked up to meet Stephen’s. “I wish he had hurt me again. I wish he had broken my other arm, or burned me. Anything, really. So then she would have left, and she wouldn’t have had to die with him that night.”

There was nothing Stephen wouldn’t have done to chase the look he was seeing in that moment from Tony’s eyes forever.

“Is that fucked up?” Tony asked, misinterpreting Stephen’s silence. “That I would have chosen her over him without a second thought?”

“No,” Stephen replied, surprised at how steady his voice was. “Not after the things he did to you. Just because he never broke your arm again doesn’t mean he didn’t hurt you.”

“Why can’t I just let it go?” Tony wanted to know. “Why does it still matter to me, no matter how long he’s been gone?”

Stephen wished he could stop himself from answering, but Tony’s eyes pulled it out of him. “Because it never stopped you from loving him, and that’s not the kind of pain you can just get over.”

For a split second, Tony almost told Stephen how he truly felt. He almost continued to spill his guts out and let the other man know that he was falling in love with him.

But he didn’t. Because that wouldn’t be fair to Stephen. And if nothing else, Tony knew he needed to start being better to the other man. He didn’t deserve him, so he couldn’t let him know.

One day, he would.

***

That day came roughly ten months later.

Tony’s plan was to wait at least a year. It had a nice ring to it, after all. A year of therapy. A year of not only being clean, but having a solid handle on everything. A year of being okay.

But he just couldn’t quite make himself wait that long.

It was a topic of conversation for several sessions with his therapist. Will Cross was on the young side, but Tony had trusted him right off the bat. Stephen had helped put him in touch, which only further fueled his desire to make this work.

“If I had a foolproof formula for you, I would share it,” Will said with the smallest of smiles. “But there isn’t one.”

“But you don’t think it’s a bad idea?” Tony asked.

Will shrugged. “I think you want me to tell you it’s going to be okay because you’re not sure how he’s going to react, and you’re scared. But me saying this is the right move won’t change what he says or does. I think you’re in a really good place, and I think you know yourself well enough now to make the right call. It’s your decision to make.”

“I really wish you would just let me pay you to make decisions for me,” Tony sighed. “I think it would be a lot easier for both of us in the long run.”

So Tony did as much thinking and reflecting as he possibly could. He analyzed the time he had been spending with Stephen lately, and was as certain as he could be that the other man very possibly felt the same way.

But there was really only one way to find out for sure.

The cafe around the corner from the Sanctum had become a favorite of Tony and Stephen’s over the last few months. It was a warm day for mid April, but Tony got himself a coffee and Stephen a hot tea, along with a few pastries on his way to see the sorcerer.

After going rather quickly through official business, they fell into a comfortable silence as they finished their drinks in the study. Stephen watched Tony, who had turned towards the sunshine coming in from the window. The light reflected in his brown eyes in a way that made Stephen stare for a lot longer than he intended.

When he noticed, Tony turned to him. But Stephen couldn’t make himself look away, especially when their eyes met. The billionaire chewed his bottom lip as he set his almost empty cup down, never taking his eyes from Stephen’s.

“There’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you,” he started as shyly as Stephen had ever seen him before. Stephen just nodded slightly, staying quiet so as not to interrupt. Tony took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I know this last year has been a lot, and I’ve never made things easy on you. But you make it easier for me, and I need you to know that. I need you to know how important you are to me.”

A stretch of silence followed. Stephen could tell Tony was trying to choose his next words carefully. He had looked down at his hands while he did so, but eventually, he looked back up at Stephen.

“I don’t want to screw anything up,” he continued. “Because you mean so much to me, and I know how lucky I am to still have you in my life at all. But, I was wondering if you...” he trailed off for a moment. “If you wanted to have dinner with me tonight?”

Stephen didn’t fight the smile that crossed his face. “I would love to.”

A shaky breath left Tony’s lungs. “I meant it as, a...um...as–”

“A date,” Stephen finished for him. “Right?”

Tony’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “Yeah. A date.”

“Good,” Stephen replied, his smile only growing. “Because that’s what I was saying yes to.”

“Really?” Tony couldn’t help but ask.

“Would you like to make a case against it?” Stephen teased. “My mind is pretty made up, but I’m always open to hearing both sides of an argument.”

A mixture of nervous and relieved laughter came as Tony’s immediate response. “While I do have a very convincing set of reasons why you should have run away from me a long time ago, I’d rather not clue you in on anything you might not have thought of just yet.”

“I’m confident in my decision,” Stephen said resolutely. “But to be fair, a lot of that has to do with how absolutely adorable you are right now.”

Tony groaned and tugged a hand through his hair. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous,” he admitted. “I practiced what I was going to say so many times last night. And no,” he said, stopping Stephen’s reply. “It’s not adorable. It’s just practical, alright?”

Stephen laughed lightly. “Whatever you say.”

“I just wanted to do this the right way,” Tony went on. “I know it hasn’t even been a full year yet, and I still have rough days, but I got to the point where it was all I could think about."

“What was?” Stephen inquired.

Tony swallowed. “You. Being with you, the possibility of there being more between us. In the beginning it was just a thought, a fantasy really. But the more time we spent together, and the more clearly I could think and see things, the thought just wouldn’t ever leave my mind.”

“Would you believe me if I said I felt the exact same way?” Stephen asked softly.

“No,” Tony said with a short laugh. “Because that’s just too good to be true.”

“Well, it is,” Stephen assured him. “It’s exactly true. I’d never lie to you about that. Or anything, for that matter.”

“I know. I’ve never doubted that.”

Awkward wasn’t the right word for the moments that followed, but it was pretty close. There was a more in depth conversation that needed to be had, and neither of them was sure when exactly it should take place.

Ultimately, Tony made the executive decision to have it now. He wanted to show Stephen how serious he was, how sure he was, and thought this was the best way to do it.

“One of the reasons I was so nervous was because I didn’t know how you would react. Not necessarily about how you felt, because I was fairly certain we were on the same page there. But I kind of assumed you wouldn’t want to try anything with me because of everything that’s been going on. And I don’t want to put you in a position where you feel like you have to do this just to keep me from relapsing.”

Stephen shook his head. “That’s not why,” he said sincerely. “But I do understand that there are a lot of moving pieces.”

It was clear that Stephen was leaving it open ended for Tony to pick it up from there. It was a sign of trust that he was deferring to the other man to start the discussion of where this was going to go. And where it wasn’t.

“I’ve never been in a real relationship,” Tony said by way of beginning. “Except with Pepper, but that was...different. Her and I, it was more of a comfortability thing. There was really no spark, even though we cared about each other and–” he stopped himself short, shaking his head as if to clear away the thought. “But that’s not the point. What I mean is I don’t want to do things the way I always have, because I know it doesn’t work. And I want this to work, Stephen, more than anything.”

The sorcerer nodded slightly. “So how do you want to do things?”

“I want to communicate,” Tony replied. “I don’t want to pretend everything is fine if it’s not. I don’t want you to feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me. I want this to be an actual relationship, and not just an outlet. I know this isn’t going to be easy, but I want more than anything to try. But mostly, I want to know what you think, where your head is at. Any reservations you have, concerns, all of it.”

“I don’t have any reservations,” Stephen responded. “I really don’t. I’m not scared of being in a relationship with you, and you need to know that above anything else. I couldn’t agree more that communication is going to be key. It might not always be easy, or comfortable, but it’s necessary. The last thing I want is for you to be afraid to be honest with me because of how it might impact us. You’re not going to lose me if you’re struggling. I think the worst thing either of us could do is shut each other out.”

Tony’s brown eyes shone with passionate intensity. “I want to do the exact opposite of shut you out. I’m just nervous about what that could entail. I’m scared that on top of everything else, it’s going to be too much and you’ll finally...”

“Finally what?” Stephen prompted gently.

A shaky breath preempted Tony’s response. “Leave.”

Stephen slid across the couch so he was knee to knee with Tony, but he made no other move to touch him just yet. He angled his body so he was fully facing the other man and held his eyes for several seconds before he spoke.

“I understand that telling you I’m not going to leave you isn’t enough,” his deep voice almost rumbled. “So my plan is to show you, every single day, that there’s nowhere else I would rather be than right here. Next to you. With you.”

A range of emotions flashed across Tony’s face, but none of them lingered for more than a second or so. He took a deep, steadying breath before he was able to speak.

“Can I kiss you?”

In lieu of a verbal response, Stephen’s eyes flicked down to Tony’s lips. He leaned forward ever so slightly, but stopped, letting Tony be the one to close the gap between them.

Strong fingers slid into the hair at the back of his neck as Tony pressed their lips together. It was slow at first, barely any movement until Stephen flicked his tongue out against Tony’s mouth before he was granted full access. He let his shaking hand find Tony’s thigh, sighing at the warmth that spread through his aching fingers at the contact.

It could have been hours that they stayed together like that on the couch. There was no way to know for sure. What Stephen did know was that Tony was the best kisser on the face of the earth, and there was no way he would ever tire of this feeling.

After a gentle nip to Stephen’s bottom lip, Tony pulled away enough so that he could look into Stephen’s gray eyes.

“I really hadn’t planned on doing that until at least the second date,” he breathed. “But every time I try to predict something with you, you make me throw it all out the window.”

Stephen hummed. “Am I supposed to apologize for that?”

“No,” Tony said with a slight shake of his head. “I just want you to be fully aware of the hold you have on me.”

To emphasize his point, Tony kissed Stephen soundly.

***

“Are you aware of the fact that your eyes change color?”

Said eyes were currently gazing up and down Tony’s body, attempting to commit each and every last detail to memory. The white silk sheets started where Tony’s hip began, contrasting against the tanned skin perfectly. Tony was laying on his side, his breathing still on the heavier side. The angle made it so Stephen could clearly see the outline of the softening flesh between Tony’s thighs. But despite that being the object of his affection for the last hour or so, his eyes continued upwards. Tracing the line of hair leading up to Tony’s belly button. Zig zagging across every scar. Noting the rise of his collarbones, and the way his shoulders squared even when he was laying down.

As if his body wasn’t beautiful enough, Tony’s face made Stephen’s breath hitch. His lips were red and kiss swollen. His hair was absolutely disheveled. And once Stephen’s eyes landed back on his, those perfect lips curled into a smile Stephen never wanted to see gone.

“Sectoral heterochromia,” Stephen exhaled. “They look different depending on the light.”

Tony hummed, seemingly unaware that his hand had wandered across the sheets to find a spot to settle on Stephen’s side. He brushed his forefinger over a red mark he had left, but there was no way of knowing when.

“They were green when you kissed me,” Tony reported. “And I swear, once you were inside me, they turned ice blue.”

Stephen felt a shiver run down his spine. “What color are they now?”

Tony pretended he needed to really inspect them to be sure. He moved as close as he could to the other man while still being able to see his eyes.

“Gray, with a little hint of blue,” he all but whispered. “Every time I look at you I think what I’m seeing is my new favorite color, but then they change again, and I just can’t seem to make up my mind.”

The little space between them was gone in a second when Stephen captured Tony’s mouth. He kissed him as deeply as he could without actually devouring him.

Tony didn’t seem to mind either way.

Even though it had just happened moments ago, Stephen found himself already thinking back on their first time together. It was their third official date, and after a dinner and an afternoon in the city being chased around by fans and paparazzi, Tony had suggested a quiet night in at the penthouse. He had promised Stephen a fantastic dinner, and he hadn’t disappointed.

He also hadn’t made said dinner, but Tony made it a point to emphasize he technically never said he was going to be the one to cook it.

It was almost three in the morning before there had been a break in the conversation long enough for one of them to make a move. Stephen had beaten Tony to the punch by half a second.

Any hesitation Stephen had felt at taking things too far too fast was quashed by Tony’s enthusiastic response. Both men were hard pressed to recall a time they had felt such extreme passion and desire exploding almost uncontrollably.

Tony had moved so swiftly that Stephen was transfixed. He straddled his hips securely once he had had Stephen stretched out on his bed, their lips never leaving one another for longer than a few necessary seconds to shed their clothes. It was both too soon and not soon enough before Tony’s mouth was closing around Stephen’s throbbing erection, looking up at him through his eyelashes.

The memory sent another shudder throughout Stephen. He pulled Tony until their bodies were flush together, making the shorter man sigh into an almost moan at the feeling. The sorcerer had been able to elicit every sound imaginable from Tony earlier, and he was adamant about doing so again as soon as he possibly could.

Their kiss was finally broken by the need for air, but Stephen didn’t let Tony move that far. The brunet nuzzled into Stephen’s neck, pressing his lips to all of the warm skin he could reach. They must have dozed off for a while, because when Tony moved back in Stephen’s arms, it was much brighter in the bedroom than it had been what seemed like just a moment ago.

“I really, really don’t want to ruin this,” Tony said softly. “But I, uh, I have to take my medication.”

It took Stephen a moment to process that that meant he needed to let Tony go. He reluctantly released his hold, but the other man didn’t move to get up just yet. He was trying to force a shy smile, but it was falling short. Before Stephen could offer anything, Tony averted his eyes.

“Could I convince you to join me in the shower?”

“Only if you promise we can get right back into bed together after.”

Tony’s smile was no longer forced. “If that’ll make you happy.”

“You make me happy.”

To stop Tony from making a comment, Stephen pressed their lips together firmly before tugging Tony out of bed towards the bathroom.

He made it a point not to watch Tony as he uncapped the two prescription pill bottles on the counter. Stephen knew it was to help combat his depression and anxiety. A few weeks ago, Tony had been taken off the ones that focused on quashing his alcohol cravings. Despite Tony’s wariness, his doctors agreed that while he certainly had an addiction, his mental health issues were the root of the problem. As they so often were in these situations.

Stephen was staring at the shower, trying to figure out how to turn the water on, when Tony’s arms encircled his waist from behind. He rested his chin on Stephen’s shoulder and sighed happily.

“Are you going to help me out, or just stand there and be sticky behind me?” Stephen wanted to know.

A laugh made Tony’s chest press even tighter against Stephen’s back. “I like it when you’re confused. You make the cutest face.”

Stephen huffed. “I am not cute. I am the Sorcerer Supreme.”

“You’re still cute.”

A firm kiss was pressed to Stephen’s neck before Tony dropped his arms and moved into the shower. He turned dramatically to face Stephen, extending his arms with his palms up.

“It’s really not that hard,” Tony said with a shrug before being suddenly encased in a downpour of water.

“Really?” Stephen grumbled, shooting a look up at the ceiling, knowing FRIDAY was in cahoots with the naked man in the shower.

Which really was a sight to behold, making Stephen abandon his mock anger rather quickly.

He stood there for a moment, just staring at the sight of the water slipping down Tony’s muscular body, washing away the evidence of their activities together. The sight of his come easing down Tony’s thighs made Stephen’s dick twitch in interest, and he promptly decided to join the other man to explore that interest.

Kissing while washing up wasn’t the easiest, but neither of them were going to stop. Even when Tony started grinding them together, Stephen wouldn’t let Tony’s lips escape. The engineer had to settle for wrapping his hand around their throbbing lengths, slowly jerking them both off under the water as they made out hungrily.

It was only when they were both dangerously close to the edge that Stephen allowed Tony’s mouth to move to the side, sucking a bruise onto Stephen’s shoulder as his strokes picked up to a maddening pace.

“God, you feel so good,” Tony moaned, forcing himself to make eye contact with the taller man and bucking his hips to emphasize his point. “ _Fuck_ , Stephen.”

A trembling hand found it’s way to cup Tony’s jaw, angling his head to keep their eyes locked together. Stephen knew he couldn’t do much else except rut against the hardness in front of him, which he did quite well. There was no need to dwell on the things he couldn’t do. He made it a point to focus on the moment, on the current timeline.

Because the others simply hadn’t happened, he told himself.

“You’re so god damn beautiful,” Stephen breathed, sending a shudder across Tony’s entire body. “Make me come with you, Tony.”

It only took a few more quick movements of his hand for Tony to get them there.

Stephen’s legs felt as unsteady as his hands as they clung together, letting the water wash them clean yet again. Tony was mouthing at Stephen’s neck, his jaw, his chest. Anywhere he could reach as they came down from their highs.

Their hair was still wet when they crawled back under the covers.

Neither of them cared.

***

It was nowhere near easy.

All the therapy and medication in the world wasn’t going to cure Tony, and he had a hard time accepting that. He wanted it all to just be over, to be free to be happy with Stephen and not worry about anything else. It was exhausting worrying all the time. He was tired of letting his mind trick him into believing the worst case scenarios were going to happen any second.

When he reached near total exhaustion with himself, Tony always thought about Stephen. How patient he is, how loving. No matter how many times Tony broke down, or exploded on him, or withdrew completely, he was there. Steady and strong and supportive. Tony wanted to be cured for Stephen more than for himself. It took a long time for Stephen to convince the other man that he wasn’t waiting for a cure, because he knew there wasn’t one.

“I don’t understand how you can be okay with this,” Tony all but whispered. Another violent nightmare had woken him up, effectively waking Stephen as well. Just a few short hours after the sorcerer had crawled into bed with him, utterly exhausted. “I don’t understand how you can be okay with me being like this.”

Stephen’s arms were securely around Tony’s shoulders as they lay together in Tony’s bed. The billionaire wouldn’t be getting any more sleep, and neither would Stephen.

“Because there’s nothing wrong with you,” Stephen replied before pressing a kiss to the top of Tony’s head. “You’ve been through so much, Tony. There was no way it wasn’t going to change you, no matter how much you don’t want it to.”

Tony tried to burrow even further into Stephen’s neck. “You don’t deserve this, to have to deal with this just for me.”

“ _Just_ for you?” Stephen echoed, breathing a short laugh. “A hard day with you is so much better than an easy day with anyone else. Or an easy day alone.”

“There is no easy with me,” Tony mumbled miserably.

Stephen sifted his shaky fingers through Tony’s hair. “I don’t want easy. I want you.”

Just how much Stephen wanted Tony was evidenced by his continued abuse of the time stone.

It was no longer enough for Stephen to only use it when he lost Tony. All of those deaths, all of those resets took their toll. He couldn’t wait for it to get to that point anymore.

When he saw Tony spiraling, when he sensed a fall coming, he didn’t wait. Why hope for the best when Stephen could easily ensure it? And he didn’t have to go all the way back to the beginning anymore. A few days, a couple of weeks. Pinpointing when things were starting to go wrong was so much easier with hindsight.

It was easier than it should have been for Stephen to rationalize it. He wasn’t manipulating Tony. He wasn’t altering anything. He was protecting him. He was doing everything he could to let Tony have the life he wanted.

Over time, the good days far outweighed the bad. The more chances Tony had to work at everything, the better and stronger he got. And it worked the same for Stephen, too. He could be so much better for Tony because he was learning, over and over, what to do and what not to do.

Eventually, he didn’t feel the tingling need to be on the lookout for a sign to reset. Stephen could just absorb himself in Tony, free from worry, and focus on being happy with the other man.

It was the simplest things that meant the most.

The way Tony would always look up from whatever he was doing whenever Stephen walked into the room. It might take a second or two, but he always acknowledged the sorcerer, and usually with a smile. Rainy days at the Sanctum, lounging in the study, talking about everything they could think of that had zero consequence. Having dinner with Peter at the penthouse. Walking for hours throughout the city in the middle of the night when they wouldn’t be noticed or bothered.

Feeling Tony pressed against him, his back flush against the scarred chest of the man behind him. Every last inch of their skin touching as Tony lazily thrust into his body. Chapped lips leaving a trail of kisses across his shoulders and neck. Tony’s strong hand working him slowly, as if they had all the time in the world.

Which, technically, they did.

“God, I fucking love you,” Tony moaned into Stephen’s ear.

It didn’t matter how many times he heard it. Every single time, it sent a spark down Stephen’s spine.

Without fail.

Stephen put his trembling hand over Tony’s, having nowhere else he could rest it. “I love you,” he swore, shifting his hips back and forth to meet Tony’s movements. “More than anything.”

It could have been hours before Stephen finally came, jerking into Tony’s hand and shaking with his release. He felt Tony fill him perfectly, moaning into a sigh at the sensation. He brought Tony’s arm around his chest, grasping his hand tightly to keep him from moving even an inch.

Tony’s lips didn’t leave Stephen’s body, even as he struggled to get his breathing under control. Stephen could feel his heart thudding against his back. The feeling was grounding, a reminder that they were both alive, they were both here.

And that would never change as long as Stephen had anything to say about it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to post this a day early because Sunday is Valentine's Day, and while I've never thought all that much of the holiday, it just didn't feel right for whatever reason. Not with all the cute fluffy love stories I'm sure will be posted tomorrow by so many talented people that would be better suited to the day.
> 
> This was maybe the hardest section to write, which resulted in little to no editing being done on it. So I apologize for any rough edges or mistakes. 
> 
> As always, thanks for reading and any feedback given!

Giving up the mantle of Sorcerer Supreme simply wasn’t possible.

No matter how much he wanted to. Because that would mean handing over the time stone. And that was just not something Stephen could risk. If something happened, if he lost Tony again and couldn’t reset, he wouldn’t be able to handle it.

There were countless reasons to do it.

Spending more time with Tony. Moving in together. Having a family.

But they didn’t outweigh the possibility of losing Tony forever. Nothing could ever outweigh that.

And Stephen was proven right.

While he was struggling with his own dilemmas and moral shortcomings due to his behavior regarding the time stone, Stephen was missing the cloud that had started to follow Tony around wherever he went.

Depression doesn’t care that you’ve been doing so well for so long. It doesn’t care that you’re taking your medication like you’re supposed to, that you’re taking care of yourself like you’re supposed to.

It doesn’t care about the lives around you it will shatter by taking you from them.

Stephen hadn’t noticed that Tony had been stashing away his sleeping pills. He should have. But he didn’t.

He also didn’t notice that this time, Tony left a note.

Not that there was any time to read it.

“Why did you do it?!”

The expression on Tony’s face was a mixture of pure alarm and borderline fear. Stephen had never, ever spoken to him in that tone before. He wasn’t even speaking, he was demanding. Pleading. Begging.

He hadn’t even consciously chosen when to reset to. It was four months, give or take, before Tony had taken the pills and never woken up. Stephen had found Tony coming out of the bathroom into his bedroom in the Sanctum, where they spent most of their time now. Tony hadn’t moved in, not officially, but more of his stuff was here now as opposed to the penthouse.

“Do what?” Tony asked carefully, keeping his voice calm.

In the few seconds it took Tony to be able to form words, tears began spilling from Stephen’s eyes. He was impossibly pale and shaking from head to toe.

“We were happy!” Stephen yelled in response. “I’ve been doing everything to make you happy! Why did you do it?”

Absolute panic gripped Tony’s chest. His mind was racing, trying to figure out what Stephen could be talking about. He hadn’t been drinking, or taking anything that wasn’t prescribed to him. It had been years. Maybe there was a photo on the Internet, claiming to depict infidelity on Tony’s part.

But that had happened before, and Stephen had always known they were old, or fake, and had never exploded like this over it.

“I don’t know what’s wrong,” Tony said, his own tears starting to sting his eyes due to his absolute helplessness in the situation.   
  
He was terrified. This wasn’t Stephen. There was something very, very wrong. The other man was desperate, on the verge of totally breaking down. And Tony had no idea what to do.

A sob choked through Stephen’s lungs. He grabbed Tony’s shoulders and forced him backwards against the wall. His hands curled into fists in Tony’s sweatshirt, holding him firmly as he shook him.

“Why would you leave me?” he pleaded. “What did I do wrong? I need to know why you won’t fucking stay!”

The tears fell from Tony’s eyes down his cheeks. He shook his head slightly, at a total loss for what to say or do. He put his hands over Stephen’s, trying to get the taller man to loosen his grip, for his own benefit.

“Stephen,” Tony started, fighting to keep his voice level. “I don’t understand what’s going on. You’re scaring me, honey. Take a deep breath and tell me what’s wrong.”

A humorless laugh escaped Stephen. “That’s what I want to know. I’m dying to know why you keep killing yourself.”

All of the air was knocked from Tony’s lungs. He would have started to panic at his inability to breathe, but all he could focus on was the pain and sincerity in Stephen’s eyes.

“We were happy,” he pressed on through the tears. “You wanted to get married. You wanted to retire and–” Stephen was cut off by a sob. “I just want to save you.”

The only thing Tony could do was support Stephen’s weight as he collapsed. It was even more difficult for Tony to breathe being pinned against Stephen and the wall, but that was the last thing on his mind. After a minute or so, his legs couldn’t hold them up anymore. They slowly slid to the floor, Tony cradling Stephen against his chest as he sobbed against him.

Endless things were starting to fall into place. Tony ran through dozens of scenarios where something small just hadn’t added up.

Stephen knowing something Tony didn’t remember telling him. Little arguments that should have escalated into full fledged fights being cut off by Stephen’s skillful maneuvering. Stephen being able to read his mind about how he was feeling and respond perfectly. Moments where the sorcerer seemed to get lost for a second, only to snap out of it and act like nothing had happened.

Without all of the information, Tony couldn’t be certain. But the longer they sat there together, the more sure he was that the man in his arms wasn’t the same man he had woken up with this morning.

It was rather difficult to get Stephen off the floor and over to the bed, but Tony managed, despite the numbness he was experiencing throughout his entire body. The movement seemed to make Stephen start coming back to himself. He pulled himself away from Tony and looked over at him, two pairs of tear filled eyes searching the other.

For a stuttering minute, Stephen tried to say he was just confused. That he had been stuck in a nightmare dimension and saw something that wasn’t real. Tony had listened in silence until Stephen’s ranting came to an end.

“Please don’t lie to me,” Tony whispered.

Stephen swallowed hard. Exhaustion swept over him. He wasn’t sure that he could withstand the weight of it. But he knew he had to at least try.

So he started from the beginning.

The tears kept falling, from both of their eyes, the entire time Stephen spoke. He didn’t leave anything out. Once he started talking the words spilled from his mouth on his own accord.

It had been so long, so many resets, so many timelines.

And no one but him knew.

Part of him had expected Tony to recoil in terror and run away. Hearing your boyfriend of four years (or was it five already?) admit to manipulating time in order to prevent your untimely death at your own hands wasn’t easy to take in. But Tony sat there stoically, holding Stephen’s unsteady hands, never interrupting once.

When he was done, he gave Stephen a few moments to catch his breath before he asked his first question.

“How many times?”

Stephen shook his head weakly. “I don’t know.”

Tony could tell that Stephen was telling the truth. From what he had heard, it was far too many to keep track of. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“I need you to promise me you’re going to stop.”

After opening his mouth to argue, Stephen instead nodded slowly. “I won’t have to, because now you know. You know what’s been going on, so it won’t happen again. Maybe that’s what I’ve been doing wrong. I should have just been honest with you.”

During his rambling, Stephen’s eyes had started to wander as he thought out loud. When he stopped talking, his eyes focused back on Tony’s.

He had never seen anything so heartbreaking before.

“Stephen, I–”

“Are you okay?” Stephen asked, cutting him off. “You were still doing well, at this point. It’s not for a few more months that you...” he shook his head once, as if the movement would prevent the thought altogether. “But now you know. And you don’t want to, right?”

Tony struggled to find the words. He couldn’t think straight and had no idea how he was supposed to respond to that.

“I don’t think so,” he answered lamely. “I haven’t thought about it in a long time, and I don’t know what made me do – _that_. I don’t know what to say, Stephen.”

“Say you’re not going to leave me,” Stephen begged. “Say you’ll tell me when it gets hard and you’ll let me help you. Say you’re going to stay.”

The completely devastated man across from him would have been able to get Tony to say anything in that moment. He couldn’t fathom ever being in a position where he would do something he knew would cause Stephen this much pain. He knew it meant he himself had to have been suffering badly, but he forced himself not to consider that.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Tony swore.

Before he could say anything else, Stephen was pulling him into a hard hug. They gave into their emotions, crying against each other’s shoulders again for a long time before Tony had the wherewithal to pull Stephen back with him to lay down on the bed.

“I’m so sorry,” Tony managed to choke out as he held onto Stephen. “I love you so much. I’m so fucking sorry, Stephen.”

Stephen let out a shuddering breath against Tony’s chest. “It’s okay. You’re still here. I can still love you.”

Somehow, without being able to say quite what it was, Tony knew it wasn’t going to be that simple.

Twenty days later, it became obvious.

The blinding headache came out of nowhere, bringing with it dizziness and vertigo. Blurred vision. Coordination problems. The nausea started shortly thereafter.

When Tony had his first seizure, Stephen wasn’t able to doubt what was going on anymore.

A malignant tumor. Right on Tony’s brain stem.

Of course it was inoperable.

Two months. Maybe a bit more.

Stephen wanted to cry. He wanted to scream, to break something, to wake up and find that this wasn’t real.

But he couldn’t do anything other than sit in silence next to Tony.

“This is it.”

The soft voice snapped Stephen out of his thoughts. He looked up at those dark brown eyes. “What is?” he wanted to know.

Tony forced a smile with tears in his eyes. “You have to let me go.” Stephen shook his head before he had even stopped talking, but he didn’t leave room for argument. “This has to be it, honey. You can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

Stephen’s breath hitched. Tony was going to die, painfully, from a brain tumor. And he was worried about Stephen.

“I can save you,” Stephen argued. “I’ll get it right, Tony, I swear.”

“Maybe there is no getting it right. Maybe this is what’s supposed to happen.”

“No,” Stephen protested. “It can’t be. You can’t think that.”

Tony chewed his lip. “I think you’re being punished, Stephen.”

Hearing his own thoughts voiced by Tony was more crushing than it should have been. Stephen knew that’s what was happening. He not only messed with time, but he told Tony what was going on. It was no coincidence that he got fatally ill immediately afterwards.

“I can’t let you go,” Stephen said instead. “There’s no way I can live without you.”

Tony slid his hand into Stephen’s. “You will, eventually. Everyone dies. It’s part of life. You can’t keep torturing yourself like this. It’s better this way. I’m sick. There’s nothing anyone can do.”

“It’s my fault you’re sick,” Stephen pointed out. “I can’t let you die like this.”

Arguing would get him nowhere. Tony knew that. He could see the defiance, the persistence in Stephen’s gray eyes. And he just didn’t have the energy. Whatever time they had left together, he didn’t want to spend it fighting.

“What happens when you reset?” Tony asked quietly.

Stephen frowned slightly. “Nothing. Everything just...stops. And I go back.”

Tony seemed to consider for a second. “So I won’t still be here without you, right?”

“You wouldn’t be here at all,” Stephen said. “This all would cease to exist.”

An attempt at a deep breath stuttered in Tony’s chest. “Okay. I can’t – I don’t want to do this without you. And I don’t want you to see me get worse. You’ve been through enough.”

“What are you saying?” Stephen asked, even though he already knew.

Tony smiled sadly. “I’m saying let me have one more night with you, when I still feel okay and can be with you and without any pain. And then when I fall asleep...that part is up to you.”

Stephen pulled Tony to him, his tears falling into the soft brown hair he buried his face against. “You won’t feel any pain again,” Stephen promised him. “And you won’t remember any of this.”

“But you will,” Tony stated more than asked.

“I’ll be fine,” Stephen assured him. “As long as I’m with you, I’ll be fine.”

Tony held onto Stephen as tightly as he could. “I never wanted to hurt you. I know that much is true. That could never have been what I wanted.”

“I know,” Stephen said calmly. “I’m going to figure it out, Tony. I promise you.”

The night had turned to morning long before Tony finally fell asleep. They had brought each other over the edge time after time, barely slowing enough to let their bodies recover before attempting to devour one another yet again. Stephen refused to let Tony do more to him than was strictly necessary to allow the other man to feel involved and loved, instead taking the initiative to absolutely ravish him.

It was exponentially harder to reset with Tony in his arms. He had to remind himself that he wasn’t safe, despite feeling so calm and warm.

Before it got too close to when Tony would have inevitably woken up, or had another seizure, Stephen closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

When he exhaled, he was still in bed with Tony, but this one was cancer free and smiling.

“Good dream?” he slurred, voice thick with sleep.

Stephen managed to keep his tears at bay. He reached out a shaking hand and threaded his fingers into Tony’s perfectly soft hair. “Not as good as this.”

“Sap,” Tony teased, but his sleepy smile gave him away. “Breakfast?”

“Not yet,” Stephen sighed, pulling Tony to him. He rested their foreheads together, legs tangling, arms holding each other steady. “We’ve got plenty of time for that. I don’t want to let you go just yet.”

Tony tilted his head to press his lips to Stephen’s. “Don’t ever let me go.”

Stephen swore he wouldn’t.

But eventually, he did.

He had to.

Just not quite yet.

***

Knowing that what he was doing was wrong, and only getting worse, wasn’t able to make Stephen stop.

It wasn’t until Tony got sick again that Stephen truly realized that this was more out of his control than he could have ever imagined.

And yet, he still reset.

Over. And over. And over.

Because the good times with Tony were utterly perfect. Indescribably amazing. They so far outweighed the difficult times that Stephen was able to convince himself for a long time that this was what was best, for both of them. Being able to sleep in on Sunday mornings and kiss lazily under the blankets. Watching everything possible on Netflix with Peter and Harley. Spending Friday nights lounging on the couch, tangled up in each other, pretending there was nothing in the world to be concerned about.

None of it stopped Tony from getting sick again. Or the car accidents. Disasters during a battle. A break in his psyche that left him feeling that he had no other choice.

It took Stephen so long to use the time stone to look forward as opposed to only going back because he knew what he was going to find there. He knew, maybe all along, that the timeline in which Tony was saved wouldn’t be one where they were together.

So Stephen cheated.

He also found the timeline where he and Tony got to spend the longest amount of time together.

Nine years, four months and eleven days from the night of their first date. That was the most time they ever got together before...before something happened. Stephen didn’t sit there and watch it like a movie. He perfected scanning outcomes a long time ago, so all he had to do was make sure Tony was happy prior to it ending. And knowing when it would end, so that he could go back before he had to lose Tony again.

So he could go back, and lose Tony once and for all.

But until then, Stephen took advantage of every second of those nine years.

Four months.

And eleven days.

***

The first year was rocky. It always was.

But they got through it, and were better for it. They had a bond unlike any other. Stephen helped Tony through his daily struggles. Tony stayed awake, no matter the ungodly hour, whenever Stephen woke from a haunting nightmare.

They laughed. They fought. They cried. They loved.

In the third year, they got married.

Tony proposed in the middle of them eating take out at the Sanctum. Stephen was reaching for another egg roll when Tony grabbed his hand, slowly sliding off the couch to kneel on the floor. It took far too long for Stephen to recognize what the other man was doing.

He knew this would happen, but not quite in this manner.

Of course, his answer was yes, which lead to them back on the couch to thoroughly celebrate their engagement. The egg rolls was easily forgotten as Stephen welcomed Tony onto his lap, craning his neck to kiss the brunet as intensely as possible.

At Tony’s insistence, Stephen used a spell to rid them of their clothes. Neither wanted to wait a second longer than they had to before coming together. But Stephen still ensured the prep was sufficient before Tony was sinking down on his length, taking the entirety into his body with a moan.

Before he started moving, Stephen wrapped his arms around Tony’s waist and held onto him.

“I love you,” he swore, leaning forward to plant kisses across the expanse of Tony’s chest. “I never thought it would be possible to feel this way. About anyone.”

The words made Tony’s breath stutter in his lungs. “I love you, too. Let me show you how much.”

After, Stephen drew a blanket over their sated and sweaty bodies, keeping Tony securely against his chest as they came down. Tony whined when Stephen finally slipped from his body, but it turned into a sigh at the end, drawing a smile onto Stephen’s face as they drifted off together.

They had a small wedding a month later, at Stephen’s insistence. Why wait? He told Tony he wanted to spend as much time as possible married to him.

The fourth year was focused largely around Peter and Harley, who adopted them as much as they adopted the teenagers. Helping with homework, girl problems, college applications, job interviews. They were there for it all.

Seeing Tony with the boys always felt bittersweet to Stephen. Nothing made his heart swell quite like how undeniably happy his husband always was around them, but it reminded him that while Peter and Harley were certainly family, Tony never quite had the experience of being a father to a child from the very beginning of their life. They talked about it. Numerous times. And Tony was able to convince Stephen he was okay with it, that it didn’t make sense for them to have kids of their own given the circumstances of the jobs.

It still stung, at times, to know the real reason Stephen never agreed.

If forced to choose, the sixth year would be Stephen’s favorite.

Comfortable didn’t even begin to describe the pair. It wasn’t uncommon for them to spend an entire afternoon together without needing to speak a word. They were able to exist in their own way effortlessly around the other. When Tony would get up for a refill of coffee, he returned with tea for Stephen and a pastry to split. Stephen would unconsciously slide his fingers through Tony’s hair while reading a book next to him on the couch.

With that came the days and nights they couldn’t stop talking. The teary recollection of traumatic events. Stories from before they met that made the other laugh uncontrollably. Hypothetical scenarios that stretched on for hours.

Not to mention the trip to the cabin in the mountains where they were snowed in, free from any and all responsibilities outside of each other.

“I don’t think I could get any happier than I am right now,” Tony sighed, shuffling even closer to Stephen under the blanket they shared.

Stephen adjusted his hold on him, eyes flicking from the fire to the mess of graying hair snuggled against his chest. “What if I gave you some pizza and a blow job?”

The laugh that came from Tony’s lungs was pure joy. He pushed himself up and looked at Stephen, his smile bright. “In that order?” Stephen just smirked. “Then I would eat the pizza as fast as possible to get to dessert. And would be about...twelve percent happier.”

“Twelve?” Stephen scoffed. “That’s nonsense.” A plate containing a hot piece of pizza appeared on the coffee table. “Get to it, Stark, so I can show you how off your calculations are.”

Assuming Stephen was just playing along with the joke, Tony sat up and ate the pizza. Magic food never ceased to amaze him with how good it tasted. The moment he swallowed the last bite of the crust, Stephen began pushing him back onto the couch. Tony went willingly, expecting their cuddling to resume. But then Stephen’s lips were on his, licking into his mouth with demand.

“The pizza itself is worth at least twelve percent,” Stephen purred against Tony’s neck. He nipped at the sensitive skin as his hand slid to rub at Tony’s barely hard dick through his sweatpants. “I’m taking that as a challenge.”

Tony wasn’t able to come up with a response before Stephen had made his way down his body. His t-shirt was pushed up, exposing his stomach to the other man’s mouth. So he let his head fall back against the arm of the couch and watched his lover set to work.

His sweatpants were moved only so much as was necessary to be out of Stephen’s way. Tony expected to be teased mercilessly, so when Stephen took his entire length down the back of his throat on the first go Tony gasped in surprise. Not even a minute later and he was fully hard, already on his way to coming very soon.

“Fuck, baby,” Tony praised. He laced his fingers through Stephen’s hair, tugging lightly. “That feels so good.”

Stephen set a steady pace. His mouth was perfectly wet and hot as it enveloped Tony, sucking and licking all the right places. Keeping his throat open was effortless, not a hint of a gag reflex while he sucked his husband down bob after bob.

Thanks to a solid two minutes of Stephen focusing on Tony’s weeping head, the brunet was a panting, moaning mess. He struggled to keep his eyes open, not wanting to miss a second of the sight of Stephen between his legs, cheeks flushed as red as his lips stretched around his dick.

He wasn’t able to voice a warning that he was close. There was no need. Stephen knew his body as well as he knew his own. So he opened his throat again, sliding forward until his nose pressed into Tony’s abdomen, and let the muscles constrict as he swallowed around the throbbing flesh, sending a rush of saltiness down his tongue as Tony came.

It was clear Tony wasn’t paying much attention to what followed by the exhausted look of surprise on his face when he noticed Stephen hovering above him. The taller man couldn’t hide his smile, reaching out to brush the hair off Tony’s forehead.

“Still stuck at twelve percent?”

Tony groaned. “I can’t remember any numbers right now.” Stephen’s laugh was cut off by Tony pulling him down into a heated kiss. “But maybe some will come back to me while I try and beat your score.”

***

The time went by so much faster than Stephen had ever imagined it would. For the past two months, he had been dreading making the decision on when he would reset. He had to do it far before Tony even started to feel sick. It wasn’t fair to make him suffer, to let him be in any pain whatsoever.

But how was he going to know when the time was right?

The realization hit him unexpectedly on a Sunday night.

After spending the perfect early summer day with Peter and Harley, Stephen and Tony had retired to the Sanctum. To their home. Despite the long day, neither of them wanted to go to sleep just yet. They settled into the living room, on the couch, with Stephen laying back against the pillows and Tony stretched out next to him, his head falling into Stephen’s lap.

He was telling Stephen a story from MIT. He and Rhodey had started a snowball fight in the quad in front of their dorm. Overturned picnic tables covered in snow turned into elaborate forts as more and more students joined in as the night wore on.

Stephen was looking down at Tony, his brown eyes shining as he laughed about how many times he tried to get Rhodey to agree to a truce only to tackle his best friend into a snowbank. And he realized that this was it. This was the perfect night, after the perfect day. If any was going to be this Tony’s last, it was finally here.

The thought made Stephen’s throat thicken and eyes fill with tears. Tony noticed immediately, sitting up and putting his warm hand on Stephen cheek.

“What’s wrong?” he asked softly, searching Stephen’s eyes.

The sorcerer was at a loss for words. He just stared back at Tony, willing himself to say something witty and clever to put the other man at ease. But all he could do was sit there and try to accept that this was what he had to do.

“Stephen?” Tony said, a hint of panic creeping into his voice. “Baby, can you hear me?”

Hearing the pet name made Stephen’s heart swell. Tony said it and others all the time, interchanging endearments for his name unconsciously. He swallowed hard before he was able to force a smile.

“Yeah,” he breathed, moving a shaking hand to Tony’s leg. “I’m sorry. I just got lost in thought for a second.”

Tony nodded hesitantly. “Are you alright?”

Stephen moved forward and pressed his lips to Tony’s by way of response. “I am,” he mumbled against Tony’s mouth. “I just got a little overwhelmed with how ridiculously in love with you I am.”

There wasn’t time for Tony to voice any more concern. Stephen quashed his husband’s anxieties with a long, slow kiss. Before Tony had even registered it, Stephen was pulling them to their feet, leading Tony to their bedroom, lips still locked together.

Passion swept over both of them, as it always did when they were together like this. It wasn’t the same as when they had first been together. Pent up lust gave way over the years to a much slower, thorough kind of love. Without any need to rush they both took their time with each other, never missing an opportunity or moment to make the other man understand just how strong their love was.

It felt like mere seconds, but was actually hours later when they were both spent beyond exhaustion. Stephen’s body was doing everything it could to keep Tony connected to him. The man above him was fighting to catch his breath, even as he littered kisses across Stephen’s chest and neck.

“I wish I was twenty again,” Tony sighed into Stephen’s skin between kisses. “So that we could do this all night.”

Stephen laughed gently as he stroked his hands up and down Tony’s sweaty back. “As amazing as that sounds, I really wouldn’t change a thing,” he mused.

Powering through the shakiness of his body, Tony managed to prop himself up and kiss Stephen’s lips. “I love you. More than you are ever going to understand.”

“Despite the feeling being quite mutual?” Stephen teased.

“There’s no way you can feel like this about me,” Tony muttered, nuzzling his nose across Stephen’s jaw. “But I’ll take your word for it.”

Ignoring the state of their bodies was easy when they were this comfortable with each other. Getting cleaned up could wait. Tony remained settled between Stephen’s legs, resting against his chest with the taller man’s arms securely around him while his fingers connected the freckles on Stephen’s ribs.

Being torn between letting Tony drift off peacefully and keeping a handle on their last moments together started to make Stephen restless. Tony lifted his head to look up at him, and Stephen smiled immediately.

“God, you’re so handsome,” he observed, moving his hand to thread his fingers through Tony’s soft hair. “I’ll never understand how I got so lucky.”

“I’m the lucky one,” Tony countered, stealing yet another kiss from Stephen. “You’re not only handsome, but also incredible in bed and relatively funny sometimes.”

Stephen didn’t even try to be unimpressed. A smile overtook his face and wouldn’t leave, even if he had wanted it to. “I’m glad your standards are so fantastically low.”

At the feel of Tony shifting against him, Stephen waved his free hand briefly before pulling the now clean Tony back against him. The brunet sighed happily at the sensation.

“I love it when you do that,” he exhaled. “I really didn’t want to move.”

Knowing it would be his last look like this at those brown eyes, Stephen stared straight into them, committing the sight and the feeling they evoked to memory.

“Stephen?” Tony almost whispered, noting the return of the hazy look in Stephen’s eyes.

“You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. Nothing has ever mattered more than you do. I just – I need you to know that.”

Tony smiled warmly. “I know, honey.”

“You promise?”

“Yeah. I promise. I feel the same way. You’re everything to me, Stephen.”

A last kiss sent shivers through both of them before Tony settled back against Stephen’s chest. His breathing evened out and deepened after only a few minutes, leaving Stephen to spend the rest of the night dreading the morning.

The light started to come in through the crack in the curtains far too soon.

Tony hadn’t stirred against him for hours. He slept peacefully, completely content in Stephen’s arms.

Stephen closed his eyes, forcing the pent up tears to slip down his pale cheeks. He buried his face in Tony’s hair, inhaling the scent of his husband as if it were his antidote.

When he woke up he was alone, his bed empty, pillow soaked with his tears.

It was a few days before he could get out of bed.

Before he could do anything other than mourn the loss of someone who would never remember him the same way.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the clicks, kudos, comments, all of it.

The portal opening up behind him made Tony drop the reactor on its way to his chest. It clanked on the metal table as he whirled around, finding Stephen Strange walking into the middle of his lab.

“What the hell?” Tony asked breathlessly.

His heart had been hammering in his chest even before the unexpected visitor.

Planning to commit suicide was bound to have that effect.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” Tony asked frantically when Stephen didn’t say anything upon his arrival.

“Nothing. Yet,” Stephen replied. His voice was impossibly calm, but his eyes were glassy and it appeared that looking at Tony was causing him a great deal of pain. “I’d apologize for interrupting, but that’s kind of the whole point.”

Tony stared at him with a mixture of awe and panic. There was no way Stephen could know. No one knew, except FRIDAY, but he had put the entire system temporarily offline half an hour ago. He couldn’t know. It was impossible.

And yet, here he was.

“What are you talking about?” Tony figured attempting to play dumb was as good a strategy as any.

“You know what,” Stephen said. He was utterly exhausted and beginning to think he wouldn’t be able to do this.

But he had to at least try.

Tony swallowed hard. “Did you read my mind or something?” he almost demanded. “How the hell could you know?”

Stephen shook his head. “I didn’t read your mind. But the last thing that matters is how I know.”

“So you’re here to stop me?”

“No.”

That surprised Tony. “Then why are you here?”

“I want to know why.”

What felt like hours of silence passed before Tony could respond. “Why _what_? Why I want to kill myself?” he asked, breathing an empty laugh.

“Why you think it’s your only option.”

The calm in Stephen’s voice was starting to infuriate Tony. “Because it is. Nothing else works. Nothing else can take away all of this pain, this anxiety that makes me feel like I’m going to be suffocated by my own lungs. At least this way I have control over it.”

“So your mind is made up,” Stephen stated instead of asked. “You’ve considered completely how this will affect–”

“ _Don’t!_ ” Tony snapped. “Don’t you fucking dare. Of course I’ve thought about that. But I – I can’t do this. It’s worse for me to be here, like this, than if I’m not here at all. Trust me. Everyone will get over it.”

Stephen held back a sigh. “No. We won’t.”

Frustration spilled over on Tony, making him me Stephen’s use of _we_. “Just get the fuck out of here, Strange. You’re not here to stop me, so just go.”

“If I was here to stop me, would you let me?”

“You said you weren’t.”

“I’m not,” Stephen agreed. “Because it can’t be my decision. It has to be yours.”

Tony clenched his jaw. “I made my decision. I can’t just...” he trailed off from saying _change my mind_.

“Yes. You can,” Stephen replied as if Tony had completed his thought.

“You need to leave.”

He wanted to sound angry, to sound forceful, but his voice came out broken and weak. He turned his back on the sorcerer, leaning forward to brace himself against the table holding the reactor. The device that had once saved his life, he was now planning to use to end it.

“It’s okay, Tony,” Stephen promised. “You’re sad. You’re struggling. You’re heartbroken and feel like you’re drowning. That’s all okay. I know you don’t want to hear it’s going to get better, because I don’t know that it will. But I do know that it can’t get better if you’re not here.”

The engineer’s shoulders rolled forward as he fought against the sobs trying to force their way out of his lungs. The sight made Stephen want to run over to him and pull him into a tight hug and kiss him and tell him he loves him.

But he couldn’t do that anymore.

So he did the next best thing he could think of.

“How you feel is okay. You’re not doing anything wrong. And if you can’t stay...that will have to be okay, too. Although I can’t imagine how. I just hope you know you’re not weak for feeling this way. It’s okay to not be okay.”

When Tony finally turned around, Stephen was gone.

The exact passage of time wasn’t clear to Tony. He didn’t mark it by his watch, but instead by the bottle of whiskey in his hand.

He drank slowly. Thinking, breathing, crying between each mouthful.

So it took a while. It had been a brand new bottle, after all. And he was never one to just chug the good stuff down. He wanted to savor it, to taste it. Because he told himself this was the last bottle, and ignored how many other times he had said that exact same thing.

There was only about a fourth of the amber liquid left when Tony pulled his phone from his pocket. FRIDAY was still disabled out of his worry that she would start alerting everyone as to what had been going on.

He would deal with that later.

It wasn’t until he looked at his screen that he realized how drunk he really was. But luckily he didn’t have to scroll down too far to find who he was looking for. He didn’t have all that many contacts in his personal phone, after all.

**Happy**

**May Parker**

**Nick Fury**

**Pepper**

**Quill?**

**Rhodey**

**Rocket?**

**Stephen Strange**

**Steve Rogers**

**T’Challa**

**Underoos**

The end of the list filled the screen as he stopped his thumb. He took a deep breath, and let it out slowly as he attempted to make the call.

His hand was so unsteady from the alcohol that he didn’t even come close.

“Tony?”

The sleep laced voice startled him. He pulled the phone away from his ear to look at the screen, confirming his mistake.

“Pepper,” he read.

“Tony? Are you okay?”

He slowly pulled the phone back to his ear. “Yeah. Yeah, sorry. I didn’t mean to, uh, to call you. Especially so late. Fuck.”

She could hear the slur in his words, the exhaustion in his voice. “Are you drinking?”

Tony sighed heavily. “Not at the moment. Taking a little break.” He heard her start to shuffle around on the other end of the line. “God, it’s good to hear your voice,” he thought out loud.

“It’s been a while,” Pepper agreed. “Are you okay? What do you need?”

“Nothing,” Tony replied, a little too quickly. “I swear, I didn’t mean to bother you. I just...” he trailed off, suddenly not wanting the conversation to end. “How are you?”

Pepper laughed lightly. “I’m fine, Tony. I’m good. How are you doing?”

“Not, uh, not the best, I guess,” Tony admitted. “You know how I get.”

“What’s going on?” Pepper asked, her voice gentle yet concerned.

Before he could stop himself, Tony started talking. Once he got going, he couldn’t stop. Knowing Pepper was on the other end of the line sent a sense of calm through him. She was one of the few people who really knew him, who had always tried to understand him. Pepper was one of the only constants in his life, even when things were rocky between them. She was always there when he asked her to be.

He wished he could say the same for himself.

They talked through the night. Tony’s apologies and attempts to tell Pepper to go back to sleep were shut down in her usual effective way. But as dawn approached, Pepper could hear the weariness setting into Tony’s voice.

“Why don’t you go get some sleep?” she suggested at the next lull in the conversation.

Tony had to fight back a yawn. “Yeah, I probably should. But would you maybe want to have lunch with me later?”

“I can’t,” Pepper replied. Tony felt his heart sink a bit. “But I’m free tomorrow, if you’re around.”

“Yes,” Tony said quickly. “I’m free, all day. Just let me know what works for you.”

“I will. Get some rest now okay?”

“Okay. Hey, Pepper?”

“Yes?”

Tony let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “Thank you. I – just...thank you.”

He could hear her smile through the phone. “You’re welcome, Tony. Now sleep. Don’t make me check on you later, okay?”

“Deal.”

Finally laying in his bed, Tony closed his eyes and drifted off immediately. Maybe it was the alcohol, but he thought more of it had to do with the promise of catching up with one of his closest friends soon.

He obviously hadn’t known then that a simple lunch would be the thing to save his life.

***

“Dad.”

The sudden sound pulled him from his trance. Tony turned to his left, still standing in the middle of his closet, but no longer staring at the navy blue jacket hanging in front of him.

He still had no idea why it had caught his attention this way. It was the middle of summer. Way too hot for a jacket.

“Daughter.”

Morgan rolled her eyes. “What are you doing?”

Tony looked back at the jacket again as if the reason for why it had stood out to him would be flashing in neon lights.

“I’ve gotta go into the city to see someone.”

“Who?”

“Do you remember Doctor Strange?”

“Yeah,” Morgan replied with a nod. She vacated her spot by the closet door and went over to hop up on her parents’ bed. “The sorcerer, right?”

Tony nodded as he emerged from his closet. “That’s the one.”

“Why are you going to see him?”

“I don’t actually know,” Tony admitted. “His friend Wong called me. I don’t think you ever met him. But he asked me to go to their, uh, house, I guess. The Sanctum.”

Morgan considered this thoughtfully. “When was the last time you even saw him?”

Tony shrugged. “It’s been a few years. You were still a baby when he had to leave for a while. I guess I didn’t realize how long it’s been.”

Looking at his daughter emphasized that point. Morgan was now ten, going to be eleven in a few weeks. There had been a few calls, a few meetings, over the last decade. But Tony couldn’t remember the last time he had spoken to Stephen Strange, let alone seen him.

And the fact that it was Wong who had asked him to come was even more unsettling.

“If you behave yourself and don’t break anything in the lab, I’ll make pizza for dinner when I get home,” Tony promised, leaning down to press a kiss to Morgan’s brown hair.

“Easy,” she decided. “Katie is coming over, so we’ll be swimming all day.”

“You still have to behave yourself.”

“Don’t I always?”

“The puppy dog eyes stopped working when you were seven.”

Morgan smirked at her father, his own expression looking back at him. “No they didn’t.”

“No,” he agreed with a smile. “I guess they didn’t.”

Just over an hour later, Tony was standing on the steps of the Sanctum on Bleecker Street, wondering why the hell he was so nervous to be visiting someone he always considered a friend.

Maybe it had to do with the fact that they never talked about the morning Stephen showed up in the lab just before Tony had been able to take the final steps towards ending his life. Tony wasn’t sure why, exactly, but that was one of the last substantial interactions they had had.

The next day, Tony had met Pepper for lunch. As always, they quickly picked back up where they had left off. Tony spent a lot of time apologizing for things he had put her through, specifically up to and during the Civil War. She kept cutting him off to say her own apologies for not standing by him and being more supportive when he needed her. Pepper always felt awful about the way things had ended between them; their ‘break’ had never been discussed, and ended up just turning into the end of their relationship.

Lunch eventually ended on such a good note that Pepper asked Tony to come to dinner the next night at her house. She couched it by saying there were plenty of Stark Industries matters she wanted to talk to him about and figured he would be more willing to cooperate if she made him dinner on top of it.

Cliche as it sounds, one thing lead to another, and the next thing they knew, they were waking up together in Pepper’s bed.

When Tony started rambling about being sorry and not meaning to cross a line, Pepper had calmed him down as swiftly as always and told him he hadn’t done anything wrong. So he stayed a while longer.

Over the following few weeks, they talked a lot about where this could go. Pepper wasn’t shy about explaining she was hesitant to jump right back into anything, and Tony agreed. But they also were on the same page about wanting to try, wanting to give their relationship the shot they both felt it deserved.

Things had been going as well as they ever had when Pepper found out she was pregnant.

Tony proposed six days after she told him.

She said no.

After she explained that getting married because she was pregnant was an outdated notion and a knee jerk reaction, Tony conceded that he hadn’t thought that far ahead until she had become pregnant. But he was adamant that he was going to be supportive and as involved as she would let him. It took longer than it should have for Pepper to convince him that she was overjoyed to be having a baby with him and knew they would be able to do this together.

So Tony set to work on getting the lake house built and in the meantime, moved into Pepper’s home with her in order to be there whenever she needed even the smallest thing. The house was finished a month before her due date, and was their home when Morgan came into the world.

Their daughter was three years old and served as their flower girl at their wedding.

The way Tony felt about Pepper was unlike anything he had ever felt before. He loved her, with his whole heart, but it was in their own way. They were each other’s partners in every sense of the word. But they had been through so much, weathered so many storms and it was bound to have an effect on them.

They got along almost perfectly. Of course there were arguments, fights. But the newfound basis of their relationship being centered around Morgan seemed to alleviate all the other issues that had plagued them years before. They were co-parents more than lovers. Sure, they were attracted to one another, but they could count on just their two sets of hands the number of times they had had sex since that first night.

If you had asked him when he was younger, Tony would have laughed at that. Being married in general would have sent him running for the hills, but to sleep in the same bed as someone and feel connected to them without having regular sex? Impossible.

And yet it worked so well for them.

He was ripped from his thoughts when the door opened to reveal Wong’s unimpressed face.

“Are you going to stand out there all morning?” he wanted to know.

Tony smirked immediately. “Breaking and entering is illegal, Wong.”

“When has adherence to the law ever applied to you, Stark?”

He was lead through the foyer and to the foot of the large staircase that Bruce Banner had crashed through once upon a time.

It felt like lifetimes ago.

Before they ascended, Tony stopped and turned to his host. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on now? Or leave me in the dark?”

Wong sighed. “Strange doesn’t know I’ve asked you to come,” he admitted.

Tony frowned. “You said he wanted to see me.”

“He does. But that doesn’t mean he’s aware that I’ve asked you here today.”

The nonsense coming from the sorcerer’s mouth made Tony realize how tired he seemed. His shoulders were hunched and Tony could hear the exhaustion in his voice.

“Wong. What’s going on?”

“Stephen is dying.”

Tony felt like he had been punched in the stomach. “What? What happened?”

“It’s very complicated,” Wong said, shaking his head slowly. “I don’t have most of the information. And what I do know isn’t my place to tell you.”

“Is _he_ going to tell me?” Tony asked, jerking his head towards the stairs.

Wong shrugged. “I’m not sure. But I am sure that he wants to see you. No matter how angry at me he’ll be over this, he needs you here right now.”

Tony tried to swallow, but his mouth was too dry. “Is there anything I can do? Anything he needs?”

“Just for you to go upstairs. And be patient.” Wong turned to look up towards the second floor. “He’s in his bedroom.”

It wouldn’t dawn on him until later, but Tony managed to go directly to Stephen’s room without the need for directions or ever having been to that part of the Sanctum before.

Soon he would find out how he had known.

The door was standing open. Tony raised his hand to knock on the door frame when he saw Stephen and froze.

He had been expecting to see a shell of the man he knew. But Stephen looked exactly as Tony had remembered him from whenever had been the last time they had seen each other. Maybe it was something making Stephen sick that just couldn’t be seen. It was probably something magic related, and that was why–

“Tony.”

The deep voice stopped his thoughts in their tracks. Stephen was looking down at the book in his hands from where he sat on the old couch by the fireplace, not looking up when he addressed the other man.

“Hey,” Tony replied lamely. “Sorry, Wong told me to just come up.”

“I know,” Stephen sighed. He closed the book and put it down on the table in front of him before finally turning and looking at Tony. “You can come in, if you’d like.”

Tony entered the room, shivering at the feeling of familiarity that swept over him despite never having seen this room before. He went over and took the seat on the couch next to Stephen that the other man offered him with a nod of his head. Tony sat down slowly, trying not to stare, but those icy blue eyes were impossible to look away from.

“You look really good,” Tony was saying before he realized he was going to speak.

Stephen smiled slightly. “You sound surprised.”

“No. Just – Wong told me you’re sick.”

“He told you I’m dying. Not the same thing.”

“What’s wrong?” Tony asked softly.

Stephen shrugged as if they were discussing the weather. “Prolonged magic use has its effects on mortals. Comes with the job.”

Tony tried to nod. “Is it from when you had to go, uh, wherever it is you went for so long?”

“That was a contributing factor, yes.”

Shortly after Morgan was born, Stephen had reported to Fury that he would be parts unknown for a while, traveling from dimension to dimension ensuring the stability of the multiverse. When Tony had heard, he was irrationally upset over the fact that Stephen had just left without telling him, even though they hadn’t interacted much for quite a while.

Thinking back, Tony realized that after Stephen’s intervention, they were never alone together in a room, and never spoke or saw each other for more than a few minutes at a time.

Until now.

Sitting there next to Stephen close enough to touch him, Tony was starting to feel the same sensation he had when Stephen had come through the portal that day.

There were things Tony was feeling that he had no reason to.

Something was off. Something was missing.

“So you just want me to accept that you’re dying and not know why?” Tony asked, his voice as weak as he felt.

“It doesn’t matter why.”

“Of course it does,” Tony argued. “Maybe I can help, maybe there’s something someone–”

“There isn’t,” Stephen interrupted him softly. “It’s okay. It’s my time.”

The silence that followed was the heaviest Tony ever experienced. Emotions swirled through him. He felt like he was trying to remember a dream he had had but couldn’t quite recall what he had seen. But the feelings associated with it were there, almost overwhelmingly so.

Stephen shifting slightly and averting his eyes all but confirmed Tony’s suspicions.

“I think there’s something very important you never told me,” Tony finally said.

The reply came as soon as Tony had finished speaking. “Everything is the way it should be.”

Tony was surprised Stephen wasn’t going to try and play dumb. It had gone unspoken, but they were both talking about that morning in the lab. He could see that the other man was torn between wanting to talk about this and pretending nothing was wrong.

“What does that mean?” Tony wanted to know. “How do you know that?”

“Because you’re happy. And you’re still here.”

Heart racing, Tony tried to stay calm. “You did something. That’s how you knew what I was going to do.” He stared at Stephen until their eyes met again. “You used the time stone, didn’t you?”

“I did what I had to do,” Stephen conceded, sounding absolutely drained from this conversation already.

“Did what you had to for what?”

“For you. To save you.”

Tony shook his head frantically. “I don’t understand.”

Stephen smiled sadly. “Yes, you do.”

“You can’t know that this is how it should be. That’s not a real thing.”

“I do. And it is.”

Tony huffed. “Convince me.”

The words rushed out of Stephen before he was able to stop them.

“You always wash your hair first in the shower. Every time, without fail or exception. You’re ambidextrous, but prefer your left hand because your father broke your right arm when you were seven. Your body temperature is always slightly warmer than normal. About ninety-nine degrees. You prefer waffles over pancakes. You talk in your sleep. Your favorite sweatshirt is the Air Force hoodie Rhodey let you borrow the night your parents died. You never gave it back. You put water on your toothbrush, then toothpaste, then water again. And you can tell the difference if it’s not done that way. But I think you cheated.”

Tony sat there for a long time, unable to think or move or do anything except stare at the man next to him. The man who recited information absolutely correctly that he had no way of knowing.

“How?” he finally breathed more than said.

“FRIDAY, probably, but I could never prove it.”

“How long?” Tony asked, shaking his head and ignoring Stephen’s joke.

Stephen chewed his lip. “Depends on which time.”

“How many?”

“Not enough. Never enough.”

Tears were stinging Tony’s eyes. “I can’t remember. I can feel it, I can feel you there, but I can’t see it. Why can’t I remember?”

“Because you’re not supposed to. Those timelines never happened.”

“Of course they did,” Tony scoffed. “You know things about me no one else does. Pepper doesn’t even know about my dad breaking my arm. And I can feel it there. That’s why you left, why you stayed away from me, right?”

Stephen swallowed. “It was too hard,” he whispered. “I wanted to be around you, to be friends with you, but I just couldn’t.”

“Tell me,” Tony pleaded. “Tell me everything I can’t remember.”

“I can’t,” Stephen said with an empty laugh. “It’s too much. I don’t have enough time left to go through all of the lives we’ve had together.”

The tears started to flow down Tony’s pale cheeks. “Then show me.” He reached over, carefully threading his fingers with Stephen’s. “Please, Stephen.”

Stephen stared down at their linked hands. “You won’t remember,” he muttered. “You’ll wake up tomorrow and not remember anything I show you.”

“Fine,” Tony relented. “I don’t care about tomorrow, I care about right now.”

Exhausted didn’t even begin to cover how Stephen felt. Broken was almost accurate, but still didn’t quite get the job done. For the first time in his life, he didn’t have any fight in him anymore. And he was selfish, he knew that.

He wanted Tony to remember.

“Close your eyes.”

His voice was so soft that Tony almost hadn’t heard him, but he did as he was told.

In reality, it didn’t take more than ten seconds. But what Tony was shown was more lifetimes than could ever be fully processed.

He saw every time he took his own life. He saw the devastation on Peter’s face that first morning. He watched himself fight with Stephen over and over again until they finally started to get things right.

Tony saw himself falling in love with the man next to him every single time.

Except this time.

When he opened his eyes, he saw that Stephen was now crying as well.

“I...” Tony tried, but was stopped by a choking sob. “I’m so sorry, Stephen.”

Stephen’s hand tightened around Tony’s. “No. No, Tony. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“How can you say that?” Tony demanded. “I ruined your life. So many times. Every _single_ time. If I could have just–”

“You were in pain,” Stephen interrupted. “You were in so much pain and didn’t see any other way out. I should have realized, I should have...” he trailed off, knowing this wasn’t going to be productive. “But it doesn’t matter. You’re here, and you’re happy.”

“You’re not,” Tony said, his voice shaky. “You’re dying because of me. I killed you.”

“No, you didn’t. You saved me, and I was just finally able to repay the favor.”

Tony tried to swallow down the lump in his throat, but to no avail. “You used the time stone to look forward.” It wasn’t a question. “That’s why you’re dying, on top of everything else. Because you kept abusing it to help me and it finally–”

“I abused _you_ ,” Stephen cut in. “Over and over and over again.”

“What are you talking about?” Tony asked, shaking his head.

“I manipulated you. I knew exactly how to get you to depend on me, to fall in love with me.”

“No,” Tony disagreed immediately. “That’s not what happened.”

In the back of his mind, Stephen wished he hadn’t shown Tony what he just had. This argument would be a lot easier to win if the genius sitting next to him didn’t have any evidence to support his points.

“You weren’t trying to make me doing anything other than stay alive,” Tony pressed on. “It just happened between us because it was already there. I’m the one who abused _you_ , Stephen. All the fights and lies. That time I slept with that random woman just to push you away. Jesus Christ...I don’t understand why you kept going back for me.”

“Because I was in love with you.”

Tony’s eyes darkened. “Was?”

“You’re married,” Stephen said, looking down at Tony’s free hand bearing his wedding ring. “With a daughter.”

“It doesn’t change how I feel about you,” Tony countered. “But it changes how you feel about me?”

“Yes, because we weren’t what was supposed to happen.”

Now that he knew Stephen again better than he ever had, he could see that the other man was lying. The flash in his icy eyes gave him away. For some reason, Tony didn’t call him on it.

“But we did. In every other timeline except this one, we were together. And we were happy. We got married, and we talked about kids, and–”

Tony stopped short as something clicked into place. Stephen was still looking down, away from the dark brown eyes that he was hopeless to fight against. He was doing a very good job pretending that Tony’s pants were the most interesting thing he had ever seen.

“You always said a kid was a bad idea because it was too dangerous,” Tony said, thinking out loud more than anything. As if they had had this conversation just yesterday for the umpteenth time. “But that’s not it. You didn’t want to have one with me because you didn’t trust me.”

“No,” Stephen argued, finally looking up. “That’s not true.”

“Of course it is,” Tony replied. “You didn’t trust me to stay sober or to be a good father and that’s why you didn’t–”

“It was too dangerous!” Stephen exclaimed, just shy of yelling. He took a deep breath to regain control over his voice. “I trusted you, Tony, with my life. I still do. But if you got sick, or killed in a battle, and we had a kid together...” the tears started flowing again. “I wouldn’t have been able to go back for you. I knew I would have stayed, with our child, because you never would have forgiven me if I did otherwise. It was too late for us to have a kid and have that make you happy because it was everything else that was taking you from me. I couldn’t risk losing you forever.”

Tony shook his head. “You wanted to have a kid too. Having that happiness would have been–”

“Do you know what a stop-loss is?”

Stephen’s question cut Tony short, effectively confusing him. He frowned, sure he had misheard. But when Stephen just kept looking back at him, he realized he wasn’t going to get any more information.

“Like with stocks?” Stephen nodded. “Yeah, I know what that is.” Apparently, the sorcerer wanted a full answer, and wouldn’t go on until he got one. “It’s an order put on a stock to buy or sell it at a specific price.”

“Why?” Stephen prompted.

“It put a limit on the potential loss.”

“That’s what I had to do,” Stephen explained. “I had to set a definitive point that I couldn’t cross when it came to you. To limit the loss, to limit the pain you had to go through. I was selfish, I know that. But I rationalized it by having a stop-loss.”

“Which was?” Tony wanted to know.

“The longest stretch of time we got to spend together. Just over nine years.”

Despite taking deep breaths, Tony wasn’t able to get his heart rate to slow down. His mind couldn’t stop replaying everything he had seen, everything he had felt and been through with Stephen. It didn’t make sense to him how that hadn’t been enough to make him stay.

As if reading his mind, Stephen started to explain. “It wasn’t about you and me, or you and Pepper. It was about Morgan.” Stephen watched as Tony’s expression softened at the mere mention of his daughter. “She saved you. You needed to be reminded that you can do something right, something amazing. There was never a chance you were going to be anything but the best possible version of yourself for her. And I couldn’t stop that from happening for you.”

“But I...” Tony couldn’t say more. Saying he loved Stephen didn’t matter, because that didn’t change the fact that he would chose Morgan over him every single time. They both knew that.

And that was the point.

So instead, Tony took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Please don’t make me forget you.”

“I can’t do that to you. Or your family. It’s not fair.”

Tony shook his head. “I don’t want to forget. I want to keep this, keep you with me.”

“I’ll always be with you,” Stephen assured him. “But this you, this is what was supposed to happen.”

“You know I don’t believe that.”

“That doesn’t make it any less true. You love Pepper, and you love Morgan.”

“And I love you,” Tony proclaimed. “I know I do, Stephen, I can feel it. I don’t want to lose this feeling.”

Stephen fought back the onslaught of tears he could feel building up. “I can’t torture you the same way I tortured myself for so long. I manipulated and lied to you for ages. It’s time for me to let you go and live the life you were meant to. You need to let me go, too.”

“Let me stay with you,” Tony pleaded. “I can’t let you die alone.”

“I’m not alone.”

“Please. I want to stay. At least let me have a few hours with you where I can still remember.”

Stephen smiled softly. “Only if you promise not to stay up for days so you won’t forget.”

“I promise.”

“You’re lying.”

“I love you.”

“I know,” Stephen said softly. “I love you, too.”

Tony gripped Stephen’s hand as tightly as he could without causing the other man pain. “I’m so sorry I put you through everything I did.”

“I’m not.”

“Why?” Tony asked, unable to stop the quirking of an eyebrow.

“You’re worth it. One day with you was worth an eternity of heartbreak.”

“I don’t want to break your heart. I want you to stay.”

“I can’t.”

“This isn’t fair,” Tony declared.

“I know, and I’m sorry. But you won’t remember.”

“You can’t be okay with this. It can’t end like this.”

Stephen’s thumb traced the curve of Tony’s hand. “Maybe it’s not the end.”

It felt like a vice had secured itself around Tony’s heart. He willed himself not to breakdown, but it was becoming increasingly more difficult as the minutes wore on.

“Don’t say that,” Tony almost begged. “Don’t give me false hope.”

“I would never do that to you,” Stephen swore. “But I’m not going to pretend to believe that this is the last time we’ll see each other.”

Not knowing how to respond to that, Tony moved closer to Stephen. He raised his free hand to cup Stephen’s pale cheek, using his thumb to gently stroke away the tears sticking there.

When he started to slowly lean in, Stephen stiffened and gave Tony a look.

“You’re married,” he said again, as if the other superhero had somehow forgotten.

Tony breathed a laugh. “She would understand,” he said. “Pepper, of all people, would understand.”

Stephen wished he could say that he had put up more of a fight. Tony’s assurance and his own willingness added to Stephen’s pure need to feel Tony again after all these years wore him down in a split second. He let himself be pulled gently forward, his parted lips meeting Tony’s perfectly.

It felt like they had never stopped doing this. Their mouths moved together in harmony, Tony being the brave one to flick his tongue out first to lick slowly into Stephen’s mouth. The sorcerer accepted him happily, meeting him in kind to deepen the embrace.

Well after their lungs started screaming at them for substantial breaths of air, they broke apart just far enough to breathe properly. Their lips still brushed together slightly as they stayed as close as possible.

“How much...” Tony stopped to swallow. “How much time do you have left?”

He wasn’t sure why he asked, because he really didn’t want to know the answer. But at the same time, he needed to hear it.

“Not long,” Stephen replied. “But there’s really no way to know for sure.”

The full range of human emotion flashed through Tony’s brown eyes. Stephen saw love, fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, happiness. All of it displayed in those impossibly vivid depths. He wished he could keep staring forever, keep Tony this way forever.

But he allowed himself to accept he couldn’t a long time ago.

“I have an idea,” Stephen prompted. “But you need to swear to me you’ll actually do it this way. If you want.”

Tony was nodding before Stephen even stopped talking. He let his hand fall back to his own lap so he could move back, looking at Stephen completely.

“I promise. Whatever you say.”

Stephen held back a sigh. “I can’t let you remember all of this,” he began. Before Tony could protest, he elaborated. “You having all of the information is what lead to this going completely off the rails before. You just can’t. It’s not safe.” Tony conceded the point with silence. “But you can stay. I don’t know how much I can offer at this point. My energy is basically nonexistent. So you can stay, until I fall asleep. And then you have to leave, and go back to your life.”

There was no need for Tony to consider it. As soon as Stephen said he could stay, he was going to do whatever the other man wanted in order to have this time with him.

“What can I do?” Tony asked by way of acceptance. “Do you need food? Water? Some tea?”

Stephen shook his head weakly. “No, I can’t – I’m fine. I just want to have this time with you. Can we, um, can we lay down? I promise not to fall asleep just yet, but I’m not feeling all that great.”

“Of course,” Tony said immediately. He stood, carefully helping Stephen to his feet as well and leading him over to the large bed. Stephen arranged himself on the pillows with Tony’s assistance, sighing in content when Tony pulled a blanket over them.

They lay together on the bed on their sides, facing one another, legs tangled, fingers once again intertwined.

“Are you warm enough?” Tony asked softly.

His tenderness brought a smile to Stephen’s tired face. “Yes. This is perfect.” He squeezed Tony’s hand as much as he could. “Thank you. For coming. For staying with me.”

“I should have come sooner,” Tony forced out from his rapidly thickening throat. “I should have called you, I should have–”

“I’m glad you didn’t,” Stephen interrupted. “We had our time. You needed to be with Morgan.”

A string of unsteady breaths came from Tony’s lungs as he struggled to find the words for what he wanted to say, even though he knew he couldn’t effectively articulate it. Even though he knew Stephen already understood more than he could ever say.

“Do you have a favorite?” Tony asked instead after a stretch of silence.

Stephen considered, not needing to ask what Tony meant. “Favorite moments. But not just one time over any of the others in general.”

“Tell me.”

In no position to deny Tony of anything, Stephen did. He tried to keep it simple, to the main highlights that stuck out in his head, but found himself going on and on about everything little thing he could recall across endless lifetimes.

“And then there was the time you spent a thousand dollars on Girl Scout cookies.”

The tears in Tony’s eyes were finally from being happy, and not heartbroken. “I had no choice. You love thin mints, and they needed to beat Troop 118 because that mean girl Paige didn’t invite any of them to her pool party.”

“Even Thor couldn’t make a dent in the amount you bought.”

“I stand by that decision.”

Neither of them pointed out that that decision no longer existed.

“I’m also rather fond of the night we went to Alaska and saw the Northern Lights,” Stephen added.

Tony hummed. “That was so beautiful.”

“Yeah,” Stephen agreed. “It was. But my favorite part was drinking hot chocolate and snuggling under roughly thirteen blankets with you.”

“I seem to recall you drinking the majority of that hot chocolate,” Tony mused.

“You’re misremembering. It’s okay, this is all a little overwhelming for you I’m sure.”

For half a second, Stephen worried his attempt at a joke would ruin the moment. But the smile never left Tony’s lips, and was accompanied by a soft laugh.

“You hogged the blankets too.”

“Because I wanted you to cuddle closer to me.”

“As if you needed to create special circumstances for me to have wanted that.”

Stephen moved just a little bit closer to Tony, as if the conversation about cuddling was pulling them together.

“What are yours?”

Even though he had just technically learned of all of these moments a short time ago, Tony was able to answer without needing to give it any thought at all.

He agreed with Stephen that their wedding was one of the best days that had ever happened. Being able to have a two week long honeymoon in Mexico was also on the list.

“I liked the early mornings,” Tony sighed. “When we would be up what felt like hours before anyone else in the world. And you would make me drink tea instead of coffee, and we’d squish together into the widow seat and watch the sun come up on the city.”

Stephen closed his eyes, feeling the tears slip from his eyelids and slide down his cheeks. He inhaled deeply as Tony gently kissed them away. He cursed himself for spoiling the conversation, knowing it would take a turn back to being serious from here.

“You didn’t go to other dimensions like you told Fury, did you,” Tony said, but he wasn’t asking.

“No,” Stephen replied, keeping his eyes closed.

“Where did you go?” Tony asked.

Stephen opened his eyes. “Kamar-Taj, mostly. I meditated a lot. Studied, helped train new sorcerers. All of the things I was always meant to do but neglected for selfish reasons.”

Tony chewed his bottom lip. “Were you – have you been okay?”

He knew it was a stupid question, but that didn’t stop him.

“Yes,” Stephen said, trying his best to sound convincing, even though it was mostly the truth. “It was hard, there’s no doubt about that. But it was also...freeing, in an odd way. I knew you were happy, and your family was safe. That was all I needed, all that mattered.”

Flashes of moments over the last decade flooded Tony’s mind. Times when Morgan had been sick, only to be completely better not even hours later. A scary close call in a parking lot with a reckless teenage driver. The fact that the weather was always absolutely perfect on her birthday so that she could have all of her friends over to swim at the lake.

Tony felt tears slide down his cheeks. “You were watching. You protected her.”

Stephen frowned at Tony’s surprise. “Of course I did. She’s _your_ daughter.”

“You weren’t...you’re not mad?”

“Mad? At what?”

“At me.”

The sorcerer shook his head slowly. “Why would I be mad at you?”

“For having a family with someone else.”

“Of course not,” Stephen breathed more than said. “I was the reason we never had a family together. Seeing you finally have the child you always wanted...” he trailed off. “I’m so happy for you.”

It took several moments before Tony’s throat relaxed enough to allow him to reply. “I shouldn’t have just let you leave that easily. But I didn’t know how to contact you, I didn’t know if you wanted me to or not. I should have at least tried, I–”

“You took care of your family,” Stephen said over him.

Tony felt an overwhelming sadness washing over him yet again. “How long have you known that you’re dying?”

“I’m not sure,” Stephen answered honestly. “Things are different for me now. Time isn’t something I have a good handle on, believe it or not. Things that happened actual lifetimes ago feel like it was just hours or days. The last time I asked Wong, I had been deteriorating for about three months. But I don’t know how long ago that was.”

“Then how do you know you don’t have long left?”

Stephen smiled sadly. “I can feel it, as easily as I can feel you here right now.”

An impossible struggle raged in Tony’s heart and mind. He could see clearly that Stephen was fighting to stay awake. He wanted to keep talking to him, keep him awake so that he never had to leave him alone. But Tony knew that wasn’t fair.

After everything that had happened, Stephen deserved to finally be at peace.

“I love you, more than I’ve ever been able to convey to you,” Tony said resolutely. “There’s a million things I wish I had done differently, but I know this ended up how you wanted it to. So I’m going to be okay with it, because you deserve to leave here knowing that. And I know saying thank you doesn’t cut it, that there’s nothing I can say to...” he trailed off to catch his breath as he got choked up. “God, Stephen. Just tell me what I can do for you. Anything, absolutely anything.”

“Kiss me,” Stephen responded immediately. “One last time.”

Tony didn’t need to be told twice.

Their tears mixed as easily as their tongues. The passion flowed between them, months and years and lifetimes of love crashing together.

It ended a lot sooner than Tony would have liked, but he knew it needed to. He knew Stephen was fading, and he wanted him to be fully aware of his next words. Tony’s hands framed Stephen’s face, their eyes holding each other’s gaze steadily.

“I love you.”

Stephen couldn’t respond verbally. Tony could see that, and it was okay. He had felt everything he needed to know from that kiss. So he gathered Stephen into his arms as the taller man fell against him, tucking himself under Tony’s chin and settling against his warm chest.

For a long time after Stephen’s breathing evened out, Tony’s tears fell into his soft hair. He kept his own eyes closed, trying to commit this single feeling to memory.

A tug on the sleeve of his shirt got his attention.

The Cloak of Levitation floated next to the bed silently. The ends of the cloak came together in front, as if it were a person wringing their hands anxiously.

Tony smiled despite the tears streaming down his face. “Hey, Red,” he greeted as if they had just seen each other earlier that morning. “I take it you’re my chaperon to make sure I leave, huh?”

The cloak nodded sheepishly.

Reluctantly, Tony slid out from under Stephen. Because he had made him that promise. He tucked the blanket back around him, ensuring that the warmth would stay put. He brushed the hair off his forehead before kissing the pale skin there, letting his lips linger just slightly longer than necessary before turning back to the cloak.

“You’ll keep him company for me, right?”

A strong nod came as a response, coupled with the cloak squaring its collar confidently. Tony smiled, reaching out an unsteady hand to gently stroke the impossibly soft red fabric.

“Thank you.” He turned back to Stephen, sleeping peacefully on the bed. “I love you.”

Tony managed to make it back to the foyer despite the unsteadiness of his legs. He saw Wong out of the corner of his eye coming from the kitchen, but missed the movements of the sorcerer’s hands.

Something else Tony had missed was the message Stephen had sent to Wong when he had been watching their lives together, telling the other sorcerer to enact the spell to limit Tony’s memory prior to him ever leaving the Sanctum.

There was no willingness on Stephen’s part to risk anything. Tony couldn’t tell Pepper what he had seen, what they had talked about. Stephen couldn’t take the chance of Tony trying to change anything. And mostly, Stephen couldn’t let him go back to his family and be haunted by a past that never truly happened.

“Stark?” Wong asked, rousing the superhero from his own thoughts. “Are you alright?”

Tony nodded slowly, feeling like he was waking up from a dream. “Yeah. He just – he seems fine. A little tired, maybe, but not...”

“I know,” Wong sighed. “Today was a good day. I’m glad you got to see him this way, practically his normal self.”

Tony kept nodding. “Is there anything I can do?” he asked. “I know I can’t help him physically. But – I don’t know. Anything at all. Name it, and it’s done.”

“Attend his funeral.” Wong watched his words knock the wind from Tony. “Sorry, not exactly tactful. But that’s really the only thing I can think of. It’ll be held at Kamar-Taj, and I know he would want you there.”

“Of course,” Tony managed. “I can...” he trailed off, unsure of what he was even going to say. “I’ll be there,” he said instead. “Just, uh, just let me know, okay?”

Wong nodded. “I will. Thank you for coming to see him, Tony. I can’t tell you how much it means to him.”

The entire drive back home, Tony thought about what Wong had said. About him going to the Sanctum meaning so much to Stephen, who he hadn’t seen in almost ten years. And for some reason, Wong calling him _Tony_ was really standing out. It hadn’t felt forced, but familiar.

It wasn’t until Tony pulled into the driveway and saw the sun beginning to move down across the sky that he realized he had spent the entire day at the Sanctum.

“Dad!”

Morgan’s voice snapped his attention away from his own thoughts. He took a deep breath, trying to shake the feeling that he left something very important back in the city.

He found his daughter and her friend Katie outside the garage, apparently ready to head off on a bike ride. Tony shut the door of his car and made his way over to them.

“Can you help me fix the chain? It fell off again.”

Kneeling in the dirt, Tony accepted the tool from Morgan’s hand and expertly put the chain back in place. She knew how to do it herself, but getting it just right was tricky, and he never wanted her to chance it not catching and end up with her crashing.

“Leave it out, I’ll take another look at it after dinner,” Tony said. “And don’t go too far, okay? It’s going to be dark soon.”

“Okay, we’ll just do the short loop and be back for pizza, right?”

“Right,” Tony agreed with a smile. “Where’s mom?”

Morgan buckled her helmet. “On the back porch,” she reported before taking off with Katie on their ride. “Thanks dad!” she called back over her shoulder.

Tony watched them head down the driveway and turn down the street until they followed the bend of the lake and were obscured by the trees before going around the house to the back porch. He found Pepper on one of the chairs, curled up reading a book. She looked up when she heard him coming, smiling softly.

“There you are,” she said, closing her book.

“Sorry,” Tony said, all but collapsing into the seat next to her. “I lost track of time. I didn’t realize how late it was until I got back.”

Pepper noted the distant look in Tony’s eyes and the exhaustion in his voice. “Is everything alright?”

He was quiet for a long time before his eyes focused on her. He sighed heavily. “Stephen is dying.”

“Oh my god, what happened?”

“He didn’t really say,” Tony replied. He tugged his fingers through his hair. “Just that it comes with the job of being a sorcerer and is what happens with prolonged magic use on a mortal body.”

“I’m so sorry, Tony,” Pepper said, reaching over and taking his hand. “Did you have any idea?”

Tony shook his head weakly. “No. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had seen him.”

After all of the years they had spent together, Pepper could read Tony as easily as the book she had just put down. She knew how loyal, how sensitive he was when it came to the people he cared about. It didn’t matter how much time had gone by since he had seen the sorcerer. Stephen Strange was someone Tony had fought alongside during one of, it not the worst time of his life. They got each other out to the other side. There was no way it wasn’t going to affect him.

“I told Morgan Katie could sleep over, but I could call her mom and see if the girls can go there tonight.”

“No,” Tony said immediately, shaking his head. “I’m fine, really. Just caught off guard, I guess.”

“Are you sure?” Pepper asked gently.

“Yeah, yeah. I promised her I’d make pizza, anyway.” When she looked unconvinced, Tony managed a smile. “It’s fine, Pep. I could use the distraction.”

“Okay,” Pepper eventually relented with a nod. “Is there anything he needs?”

Tony shrugged lamely. “He said no. He didn’t even know I was coming, Wong never told him.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” Tony admitted. He felt like he was trying to recall information from something he had read a long time ago, even though he had spent hours with the man throughout the day. “But we didn’t talk that much, really. I just kind of sat with him, kept him company for a while.” Tony’s thumb was absentmindedly tracing the back of Pepper’s hand. “He looked fine. Definitely tired and a little weak, but not sick or anything.”

Pepper watched Tony clearly struggling with processing the news. She was trying to think of what to say, knowing that more questions would be a bad idea, when Tony suddenly sat forward towards her.

“You’re happy, right?”

“What?” she asked, blinking a few times as if that would clear things up. “What do you mean?”

“Are you happy?” Tony asked, but left no room for her to answer. “I know this isn’t what you had planned, that you had to settle for me because you were pregnant and I wasn’t what you wanted. But this is okay, right? I know we’re not living a fairly tale or anything, but we’re not like other couples who end up hating each other. Are you sick of me? Do you wish you got to have this family with someone else?”

“Honey,” Pepper said, squeezing his hand and putting her other on his knee to try and steady him. “Of course I’m happy. I didn’t settle for anything, Tony. Where is this coming from?”

Tony took a deep breath, but it didn’t really calm him down. “I don’t know. I feel very weird. But I just want you to know that I’m trying, and I know I’m not perfect but I love you and I love Morgan, more than anything–”

“Tony,” Pepper interjected gently. “I know you do. There’s never been any doubt about that in my mind. I’m happier than I ever thought I could be.” She searched his eyes. “Are you happy?”

“Yes,” he said, almost too quickly. “But I won the lottery. You–”

“Do not say I settled,” Pepper warned, but there was no heat behind her words. “Because I didn’t. When have you ever known me to settle for anything, ever?”

A short laugh came from Tony’s lungs. “Good point.”

“It might not have been a typical route to get to where we are now,” she admitted. “But I don’t care about typical. And I don’t care that our relationship is different than other married couple’s, because I think it’s better. We work so well together and support each other every day, and we have the most incredible daughter. There’s not a single thing I would change.”

“Me either,” Tony agreed. He let out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m freaking out like this. I feel like I’m in a dream and trying to explain a dream I had at the same time. I don’t know if it’s from seeing Stephen again, or finding out he’s dying, or what.”

Pepper pulled herself to him, pressing her lips to his cheek. “It’s okay, sweetie. You got terrible news about someone close to you today.” She smiled at him warmly. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Try not to have me committed for going insane,” he tried to joke, but it fell flat. He raised Pepper’s hand in his own and kissed her knuckles. “I’m okay, I promise. Just needed to rant it all away, I guess.”

Before Pepper could reply, they heard Morgan and Katie return. Their hurried footsteps carried them up the front steps around the porch to the back, where Morgan threw herself against Tony dramatically.

“Is the pizza ready?” she asked.

Tony huffed. “How could it be ready when I have no idea what you want on it? Last time I guessed you were thoroughly displeased.”

“Because pineapple doesn’t go on pizza dad!” Morgan declared.

“Well, now I know how you feel. Trial and error.”

Pepper released her husband’s hand and stood up. “Why don’t you guys shower and change? By the time you’re done dinner will be ready.”

“No pineapple,” Morgan threatened before leading Katie into the house and upstairs to her bedroom.

Once Tony got started in the kitchen, he seemed to be deep in thought, so Pepper let him be. She set to work making a salad, even though she knew it would barely be touched by anyone other than herself. Tony would talk again if he wanted, but it was clear he was still trying to figure a few things out.

The arrival of the girls back downstairs effectively captured Tony’s attention for the rest of the night, keeping a genuine smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So just a quick point of clarification, because obviously this subject matter is extraordinarily sensitive.
> 
> My point in this chapter is NOT to relate that having a child cures depression and will magically save your life. By having Stephen say it was about Morgan, I'm trying to show the type of person Tony truly is. And, yeah, if I was a better author I would be able to just do that and not have to add this note, but here we are. Having a child didn't save Tony's life, but it was a factor, because you can't tell me after seeing Endgame or knowing anything about the character that he wouldn't have been absolutely devoted to that little girl with it helping to change his outlook on a lot of things. It wasn't an overnight fix, and I really don't mean to convey it as such. It was just a different set of circumstances that resulted in a different outcome. Which is heartbreaking and kind of the point. 
> 
> But, again, thanks to those who are reading and giving feedback. It's made me think writing and posting this wasn't the horrible idea I initially envisioned it would be. Final chapter will be up next Sunday. I hope everyone has a good week!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the final chapter.
> 
> I want to sincerely thank everyone who read and left feedback. I know this was very heavy, and extremely sad, but honestly, that was kind of the point. I don't know that writing this was a therapeutic as I wanted it to be, but it did help. It's kind of like putting salt on a wound, right? It hurts like hell, but it stops the bleeding. 
> 
> Again, thank you all <3

“Got enough syrup there, kid?”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?” Morgan asked, as if her father hadn’t spoken at all. She set down the jar of coconut syrup and picked up her fork, but made no move toward her waffles just yet. “I don’t want you to have to go alone.”

Tony smiled. “I’m not going alone. Pete’s going with me. And he’s coming back here after to hang out and have dinner.”

“Really?” Morgan asked, her serious tone fading at the mention of her self-declared big brother. “I didn’t know he was friends with Doctor Strange.”

Tony bypassed his own waffles for his coffee, not feeling all that hungry. “Me either, but they stayed pretty close.”

The morning after Tony had visited Stephen, Wong called to inform him that he had died. Tony felt numb, but agreed to call Peter and be the one to tell him. The young man had kept in touch with the sorcerer, explaining to Tony that Stephen had helped him learn how to better deal with sensory overload through meditation techniques that were extremely helpful.

Morgan regarded her father for a few moments. “Are you sad?”

“Yeah,” Tony replied immediately. “I am. I’m sad he’s gone, and that I didn’t do a better job keeping in touch with him. He was my friend, and I wasn’t there for him like he was for me.”

“What do you mean?”

Tony had always made it a point to be honest with Morgan, and decided now wasn’t the time to change that. “He saved my life. A couple times,” he explained. “And I never thanked him.”

“Well,” Morgan said, thinking hard in that way she had. “Why don’t you tell him today?”

Tony blinked. “You think I should?”

“Yeah,” Morgan decided. “I think he would appreciate that.” She took a few bites of her waffle, unaware that she had rendered her dad speechless. “What was he like?”

“Stephen? Uh, Doctor Strange?” Morgan nodded as she continued to eat. “He was really smart,” Tony started. “He was actually a real doctor before he became a wizard. We didn’t get along at first, because he was just as sarcastic as me. But he was really brave, and loyal, and so strong.”

A smile tugged onto Tony’s lips as he started to remember more. “He would never drink coffee, only tea, even though he hated how I made it. He loved to read, to study everything he could. You couldn’t break his concentration, no matter what. I tried all the time, but couldn’t get it done. I drove him nuts because he was quiet most of the time. But he was always patient, even when I couldn’t sit still. He could be really harsh and intense and intimidating, but only when he thought he had to. He was actually really kind, and funny.”

Morgan put her fork down, turning her full attention onto Tony. “I’m sorry you lost your friend, dad.”

Tony had to drag himself out of his mind slipping into other memories that he couldn’t quite place. He looked blankly at Morgan for a few seconds before he was able to force a smile.

“Thanks, sweetheart. I’m sorry too.”

“But he must have known how much you cared about him.”

“Yeah?”

Morgan nodded. “You know all that stuff about him, so you must have spent a lot of time together. You’re really good at letting people know how you feel, even if you don’t say it. So he definitely knew.”

Content with her efforts, she turned back to her plate, finishing her breakfast happily.

What felt like mere seconds later, Tony found himself in the Sanctum again, this time alongside Peter, walking down a hallway he thought would never end. When it did, they came to a curved wall with multiple doors, the middle one standing open.

Tony glanced over at Peter, who smiled reassuringly. After a brief pause, they followed Wong through, stepping out into the late afternoon in Nepal.

It was beautiful.

Mountains stretched around them as far as Tony could see. The air was dry and warm, with a gentle breeze rolling up the grassy hill they were standing on. Dozens of other sorcerers were already gathered, heads bowed in silent reflection.

A joke about feeling like he was auditioning for Men in Black in his dark suit next to Peter never surfaced past Tony’s lips.

They took their places on the side where Wong nodded for them to stand. He moved away to speak with the Masters, preparing to begin.

Tony felt a shiver start to run down his spine, but it was stopped when he was engulfed in warmth.

“Hey, Levi,” Peter said quietly, greeting the cloak affectionately.

The soft fabric extended a corner towards Peter, as if to hold hands. Peter accepted it gratefully and held on as Levi stayed on Tony’s shoulders, the collar tickling his cheeks lightly.

Before he could think too much about why Levi had chosen him, the ceremony began.

It was relatively short. Concise but meaningful, which Stephen would have surely wanted. To bring it to a close, Wong stepped out of the ranks of the other sorcerers holding an intricately carved wooden box. Tony expected it to contain Stephen’s ashes, and braced himself to watch them be spread across the hillside of Kamar-Taj.

Instead, hundreds of butterflies flew out and filled the air with color.

Tony was transfixed. He remembered vividly Stephen using some sort of spell on Titan to disorient Thanos with a similar display. But this was far more vast, far more beautiful and powerful. He felt Levi tighten around his shoulders, helping to ground him.

“Thank you, Stephen.”

The words were out before Tony had ever realized he was going to speak. His voice was too weak for anyone else to have heard him, but it was there.

A lone butterfly landing on his shoulder seemed to signify recognition.

Tony and Peter stayed standing together long after the rest of the gathering had dispersed. They knew there were other procedures for the sorcerers to take part in that wasn’t their place. So they stood together, remembering their friend, and watching the butterflies spread across the sky.

“I’m really glad you were close with him,” Tony said after a long stretch of silence.

Peter looked over at the older man next to him and was met with a sad smile. “He asked about you all the time,” Peter offered before he could consider whether it was a good idea.

“He did?”

“Yeah,” Peter replied with a nod. “He wanted to be sure Ross and the Rogues weren’t giving you too hard of a time. He was really happy when I told him you had mostly retired and were spending all of your time with Morgan.”

Tony swallowed hard. “I didn’t know that.”

“I could never tell what happened with you guys,” Peter admitted softly. “You seemed to just go your own ways after the war.”

“Yeah,” Tony agreed with a sigh. “I guess we did. I just wish I had told him how grateful I was for everything he did.”

Peter turned back to smile at the butterflies. “He knew.”

Those two words lifted a weight off Tony’s chest while simultaneously tugging at his heart.

He followed Peter’s gaze, watching the sun go down until it was too dark to see the butterflies anymore.

Then they went home.

***

For five or so minutes, Tony pretended he hadn’t heard Morgan settle on the stairs to watch him working in his office. He thought that if he didn’t make note of it, she would get bored and go back to bed.

Really, he should have known better.

“Can you even see from that far away?” he said suddenly while tapping away on his tablet.

Morgan giggled. Her answer came by way of getting up and going the rest of the way down the stairs to stand next to her dad at his desk. “What are you working on?”

“What does it look like?”

She was used to this by now. He hardly ever answered a question straight out, instead prompting her to figure out what she could on her own.

“It looks like an engine. What does it do?”

“Hopefully it will run on its own reactor and power an entire city neighborhood with clean energy.”

“Can’t your buildings already do that?” Morgan wondered.

Tony nodded. “Single buildings can, but not blocks of buildings. Not yet.”

Abruptly, Tony turned the tablet off and shut down the rest of the project, leaving the room mostly dark and quiet.

“Come on,” Morgan protested. “I want to see how you’re going to get it to work.”

“You can help me tomorrow,” Tony promised. “But it’s past midnight, and if your mother catches us, neither of us will ever get to work on anything ever again.”

Morgan rolled her eyes, but smiled nonetheless. “I can’t sleep. I’m too hungry.”

Tony scoffed. “How can you be hungry? You ate, like, fifteen tacos for dinner, and then a gallon of ice cream for dessert.”

“Three tacos,” Morgan corrected. “And only one bowl of ice cream because _someone_ ate the rest on me.”

“So this is my fault?”

“Yes,” Morgan said with a nod. “I need a snack and then we can go to bed.”

“We?”

“You’ve been in here since after dinner,” Morgan pointed out. “So you need a snack too, and then some sleep.”

In lieu of attempting to argue with her, Tony wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him. He pressed a kiss to the side of her head and held her tightly.

“Alright, kid. You’ve got a deal.”

Morgan hopped up onto the counter in the kitchen while Tony set to work on their snack. He pulled Ritz crackers and marshmallow fluff from the cabinets, making plenty of bite size treats for them to share. He then made them each a glass of chocolate milk before putting the plate down next to Morgan, which she readily dug into.

Around mouthfuls of crackers and fluff, Morgan told Tony about her new classmates and teacher, who she liked a lot. She had started school a few weeks ago, and was already excited for the first upcoming field trip.

“The Ecotarium has so many cool things,” she explained. “They just built a brand new enclosure for the butterfly garden.”

Tony stopped mid bite. “Oh yeah?” he inquired to keep her talking while his mind wandered on its own.

For a while he had thought he was crazy, but ever since Stephen’s funeral that summer, he could swear he was seeing butterflies everywhere. He told himself that he was just now more aware of them given their connection to his departed friend, but it had started to feel like more than that.

There were other things, too. Like how his coffee was always the right temperate, even when he swore he had left it on the desk for too long for it to be drinkable. Sometimes, when he stayed up working so late that it became early, he felt like he wasn’t alone. But the feeling didn’t bother him. It comforted him.

And then there were the dreams.

He couldn’t see a lot of what was going on in the dreams, which should have scared him. Except it didn’t. It made him feel safe. There was always someone else with him, and he knew it was the same person who was there while he was working.

All of it faded from his mind the moment his eyes opened, but the feeling remained.

“Okay, little miss,” Tony said, stopping his own thoughts as he put the dishes in the sink. “Off to bed we go.”

Even though he hadn’t been tired, Tony fell into a deep sleep as soon as he was settled into bed.

This time, he saw the face of the person in his dreams.

Stephen looked back at him, his gray eyes soft and warm.

“Are you haunting me?”

The laugh that came from Stephen felt as real as anything else Tony had ever experienced. He smiled at the sound, wishing he had heard it more when the other man had still been around.

“Is there a reason you think I would be doing so?”

“There’s gotta be a novel full of reasons why I would deserve it.”

Stephen’s face softened. “You’re wrong again, Stark.”

After staring into the taller man’s eyes for what had to have been far too long, Tony finally took in their surroundings. He wasn’t surprised to see they were on the hillside of Kamar-Taj, where Tony had stood with Peter during Stephen’s funeral.

“This isn’t really a dream, is it,” Tony thought out loud. “It’s something else.”

Stephen hummed. “It’s complicated.”

Tony turned his attention back to Stephen. “Do I come to you, or do you come to me?”

“Both.”

“Is this an unfinished business type of deal?” Tony asked. “Like, I need to help you with something so that you can move on?”

Stephen cocked his head. “How many ghost movies have you seen?”

“Enough, apparently,” Tony replied with a smile.

“There’s nothing I need you to do. I’m sorry if I startled you, or made you fee uncomfortable. It seems I seriously overestimated my ability to be subtle.”

Tony shook his head. “No. I mean, yeah, you’re not great at being subtle. But I like knowing you’ve been around. I just, uh, gotta admit that I don’t really understand why. Or what’s been going on since I went to see you that day.”

“What do you mean?” Stephen asked carefully, although part of him already knew.

“I don’t know,” Tony said lamely. “I feel like I’m missing parts of that day, but I can feel them. Does that even make sense? I know it doesn’t, but I think you get it.”

Stephen sighed. “I also underestimated how incredibly stubborn you are.”

Tony raised an eyebrow. “Meaning?”

A deep breath being let out slowly was his only answer for several moments. Stephen stared off towards the mountains, clearly deciding what it was he wanted to say.

Slowly, he turned back to Tony, his expression soft but serious.

“If I asked you to trust me, would you?”

Tony felt himself nodding before Stephen had even stopped speaking. “Of course.”

“Then that’s what I’m going to do. I know you hate being in the dark and not knowing things. And I’m sorry you’ve been so confused, and probably anxious. But it’s all going to make sense soon. It just needs to take time, and can’t happen all at once. Does that make sense?”

“No,” Tony answered honestly. “But I trust you.”

Stephen smiled. “I promise I won’t make you regret it.”

“You’ve never made me regret anything, Stephen.”

***

When Stephen said it was going to make sense soon, apparently that meant over the course of several years.

Slowly but surely, things started to fall into place.

It didn’t happen every night, but when Tony dreamed and went to Stephen, another piece would find its place. First, he started to remember the last day they had seen each other, little by little. When that happened, it took a long time for him to process everything he had found out that day. It wasn’t any easier the second time around, and he had too many questions for Stephen to answer in their short time together.

Every time Tony woke up, the dreams melted from his mind.

But the feelings stayed.

Not all of his questions were answered by Stephen. It became clear that this was a large part of Stephen’s afterlife, and Tony didn’t want him to have to spend it being interrogated. So they went on long walks, and talked about everything else they could possibly think of.

Inevitably, though, it would circle back to their current situation and what was to come of it.

“Why can’t I remember this when I wake up, but I can remember all of the stuff from when I was awake when I’m here?”

Stephen smiled fondly. “Has it ever occurred to you that I don’t have all of the answers?”

Tony looked thoughtful for a moment. “No, actually, it didn’t.”

“Well, I don’t,” Stephen said with a laugh. “I don’t know why we get to have this time together. I’d like to think it’s because I tried so hard to get it right, and now that I finally did, this is my reward.”

“What do you think is going to happen when I die, then?” Tony asked quietly.

“I think you’ll get to be wherever you want to be,” Stephen answered with a shrug. “I can’t tell you how I know. But you’re going to be okay, Tony.”

Thinking about his death didn’t bother him, and Tony had a hunch as to why. “Does okay mean with you?”

“I hope so,” Stephen said before he could stop himself. “But that’s a long way off.”

That was something Stephen had been right about.

***

In the blink of an eye, a year went by since Stephen’s passing.

_Passing_ . Using the word made Tony scrunch his nose, but he simply couldn’t allow himself to use  _death_ . Even thought the other man wasn’t here, Tony couldn’t think of him as dead. He hadn’t known him that well, or that long, but what he did know of Stephen Strange did not lend itself to thinking of him as simply mortal. 

It was Wong who insisted he bring Morgan to Kamar-Taj on the anniversary. Tony was a little hesitant at first, but once Morgan heard about the opportunity, and the fact that Peter was going as well, there was nothing he could do but agree.

There was no formal ceremony, or anything.  Groups of sorcerers went about their business. Studying, training, meditating. Tony paid more attention to Morgan than anything else. His cheeks hurt from smiling at her wonder of the place around her. 

He couldn’t remember why he ever thought this wouldn’t be a good idea.

Wong was an excellent tour guide. He showed her the library, where Stephen had spent more time than anywhere else. Tony found himself trailing his fingers across the leather spines, wondering which of them Stephen had read. Deep down, he knew it was every single volume. They saw the courtyard out back, overlooking the mountains, and Tony knew without needing to ask that this was Stephen’s favorite spot. He sat on the hand carved wooden bench, suddenly worried his legs wouldn’t hold him anymore. Over his shoulder he heard Wong telling Morgan about the time The Ancient One portaled Stephen onto Mount Everest and left him there in order to get him to tap into his abilities. He tried to take a deep breath, but it caught in his lungs.

He wasn’t sure if it was the beauty of what he was around him, or the sudden overwhelming longing he felt to see Stephen again.

The sun was still high in the sky when they made their way to the hillside where Stephen’s ceremony had taken place.  For a second, Tony was sure Morgan was going to drop and start rolling down the grassy slope. She refrained, instead coming to stand next to him with a bright smile.

“This place is amazing,” she observed.

“It really is,” Tony agreed with his own smile, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and drawing her closer. “I’m glad you like it here.”

“I love it. Can we come back?”

Tony nodded. “Whenever Wong will let us.”

“She’s welcome anytime,” the sorcerer pledged.

For several long moments, they stood quietly, looking out at the vista. A sharp intake of breath drew Tony’s attention back down to his daughter.

“ _Dad!_ ” her voice was excited, but hushed into a whisper. “Look.”

His eyes had already found the brilliant green butterfly resting on Morgan’s outstretched hand. Its wings rose and fell slowly, perfectly at peace in her gentle touch.

Tony was fairly certain his heart had completely burst.

It couldn’t be. It wasn’t possible.

And yet he knew it was true.

It was the same butterfly that had landed on his shoulder the last time he had stood in this very spot.

“This is the same color green as the butterflies at the lake,” Morgan relayed happily. She looked up at her dad, who appeared to be frozen in place. “I can’t believe they’re all the way around the world too.”

She held it calmly for a long time. Tony never let his eyes move from it. When it finally flew away, he felt the urge to chase it, to try and catch it and bring it home with him.

But that didn’t prove to be necessary.

Stephen’s eyes were the same color green as the butterfly that night when he met Tony in his dream.

“You’re still looking out for her,” Tony exhaled by way of greeting. “You’re protecting her.”

“Of course I am,” Stephen replied with a shy smile.

Tears stung Tony’s eyes. “I wish you could have met her.  I should have called you, I should have found you. She loves it there. She would have loved  _you_ .”

“Meeting her would have been wonderful, Tony,” Stephen agreed, his voice impossible soft and gentle. “But it wasn’t necessary for me to love her anyway.”

T ony had to swallow multiple times before he could clear the lump in his throat. “Thank you. I can’t even – Jesus, Stephen. Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me.” Stephen reached out tentatively, laughing softly when Tony pulled him into a hug. “I’m just glad you’re okay with me still being around.”

“I need you around,” Tony sighed, trying to bury himself further into Stephen. “Please don’t leave us. Please don’t leave me.”

Stephen pressed his lips to the Tony’s temple. “Never.”

***

A full life didn’t do justice to what Tony experienced with his family. He watched Morgan grow up, graduate high school, college, grad school. He walked her down the aisle on her wedding day.

He got to meet all three of his grandchildren, and watch them start to grow up into what he described as perfect little angels in every single way.

Tony got to be happy, and at peace, for longer than he would have ever thought possible.

The health problems that inevitably came were expected, but still took their toll on the people who loved him. Having to face the fact that they would have to say goodbye to him wasn’t easy to accept, but the most was made out of whatever time he had left.

On the last day of his life, Tony saw each and every person who meant the most to him.

The entire day was spent at the lake house. Morgan and her husband, all of their kids. Rhodey. Happy. Pepper. Peter and Harley. Their children. It was quiet but fun, the laughter of the kids playing in the lake filling the warm, sunny day.

Tony had felt fine, the entire day. The entire week, really.

So it was quite a shock to Pepper when he didn’t wake up the next morning.

No one would have ever thought Tony Stark would leave this world so quietly, but he did. And that’s what he would have chosen if he was afforded the opportunity.

He hadn’t woken up in his bed with Pepper, but he did wake up.

Standing on the hillside, next to Stephen.

It took a while for him to be able to speak.

“I can look after them, right? Like you’ve been doing?” he asked once he had enough air in his lungs. “Just to make sure they’re okay?”

“Yes,” Stephen said gently. “They’ll miss you. So much. But you aren’t completely leaving them.”

Tony let out a shaky breath. “Okay. Good. That’s...that’s good.”

“Are you alright?” Stephen asked.

His brown eyes cleared, and a smile tugged at Tony’s lips. “Yeah,” he breathed. “I am. Are you?”

“Yes,” Stephen replied with a short laugh. “I am.”

Looking around them as if for the first time, Tony breathed in the fresh air deeply. He reached out, taking Stephen’s steady hand into his and holding it firmly, knowing it wouldn’t cause the other man any pain.

There wouldn’t be any more pain ever again.

They looked into each other’s eyes for a long time.

“So, what do we do now?”

Stephen shrugged. “Anything we want.”

Tony nodded once. “Could I interest you in watching the sunset with me?”

By way of response, Stephen tugged Tony down to the grass. They sat there, pressed together, hand in hand. Even as the sun started to disappear, the air stayed warm and comfortable.

“Thank you,” Tony whispered. “For literally everything.”

Stephen turned his head to press his lips to Tony’s temple. “I promised you I would get it right.”

A comfortable silence settled over them. There was no more need for words – everything they could ever say to each other had already been said over the course of their lifetimes together.

All the pain, all the heartbreak faded away with the setting sun.

Leaving only their love.

**Author's Note:**

> At this point, I'm planning on updating every Sunday. The story is completely written and edited, so I should be able to stick to that plan. *fingers crossed*


End file.
